"I don't think I know what it means to be happy," The words tumble from my mouth, and I don't know what I'm about to say. "I've smiled, I've laughed, but I've never meant it. When people ask how I am I tell them I'm fine; I can't remember ever answering that question honestly," I've said too much. _Too much. Too much. Too much._

"Will you answer it honestly now?"

I didn't expect this. I'm not ready. I didn't anticipate it._ I don't know. I don't know. I don't-_

"I promise to listen without judgment."

Jacob's words transcend the burning thoughts in my mind. Maybe he wants to understand me. Maybe I can trust him.

"I don't know how to be honest." I didn't know that was true, but I said it, so it is. It is true. That is true. It must be.

"Try. What are you feeling, Em?"

I can't do this. I can't think. I hate thinking. _It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. _I don't want to know.

"No," I force a laugh. "How about yourself? Tell me how you're feeling."

Jacob eyes me carefully, his eyes moving up and down. I wish I were invisible.

"Okay," He speaks and relief washes over me. "I'm fine."

He's lying. _He knows. He knows. He knows. _

_ _ "I can't be honest with you, Em, if you won't be honest with me."

Tell me how. Please. Tell me how to understand myself. I don't know. I don't know the truth.

"Maybe I am fine." _I lie. I lie. I lie. _

"Cold water feels warm when you're freezing."

Jacob turns on his heel towards the forest. He means to leave me and I don't care. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know what he's saying. I'm not freezing. I'm fine. I have to be fine. I've always been fine.

"I'll see you later, Em." He's gone. The woods have swallowed him, the way I wish they would swallow me. I like the idea of being engulfed in something I am not.