Life in a loop

Im not okay right now. I dont know if I will ever be. This cycle keeps on repeating feel amazing, something triggers me, sliced skin blood drips, relief, grief. Everything always ends up with me and the blade in my hand.

He texted me, His tone was off. I stressed overthought it "he hates me" "your never good enough" "your such a burden" blah blah blah. Cycle repeats.

The next day we are hugging as I feel his hand reach my thigh. I wince and look away. He jumps back fearing he has done something wrong. "What is wrong?, You did it again didnt you?" I feel the tears start to pour down my face. "You promised you wouldnt". I try to catch my breath and explain myself but all that could come out was "Your tone was off last night Im sorry". He blankly stares away realizing what he has done. But the thing is it wasnt his fault I overthink everything. "I was just overthinking thats all" I say tears still rolling down my flustered cheeks.

"I did this to you." He says getting up and walking away. I scream at him to come back and that he didnt do anything wrong.

I texted him all night with no reply, Was I in the wrong? I fall asleep with my phone in hand waiting for a sign anything that hes okay.

My mom comes in holding her phone up to her ear almost sobbing.

I can already tell whats going too come out of her mouth and then the words finally do.

Hes gone.