“I’m scared.” Celine swallowed, the moonlight casting shadows, but it wasn’t the darkness she was afraid of, I knew that.

I placed a hand on Celine’s shoulder, my little sister needed me in a way, she never had before.

“Everything’s changed.” She sighed, as she gently squeezed my hand.

A week before, her world changed, and I had found myself driving to the hospital in a daze, an accident and it had been bad. I needed to her, I had to make decisions I was afraid Celine would make Celine resent me for the rest of my life.

Decisions had to be made, and at that moment, I needed to be Celine’s voice.

I looked at my sister, looking small, almost fragile sitting in a wheelchair, an accident, one persons decision, and my sisters life had been changed, our life had been changed.

“Tess, you can’t keep beating yourself up, you made the decision I would have made. I don’t blame you for any of this.” My sister squeezed my hand, assuring me when I should have been the one who was assuring her.

It was hard not to though, I wasn’t the one who caused the accident, neither had Celine, it had been an accident so no one was to blame. But it didn’t stop the pain.

I stared at the moon, casting shadows, as I waited for the nurse to come and help Celine into the front passenger seat.

“Thank you for letting me stay with you.” Celine said softly. “I don’t know that I’m ready to be alone.”

“You are always welcome, you know that.” I said.

Celine nodded, she had closed her eyes, but I knew she was awake. She was trying to come to grasp how much her life had changed in a space of under two weeks.

“I’m here for you.” I said gently, not knowing what else to say, everything else just seemed so empty.”

“I know Tess, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, everything you are doing.”

I wanted to do more. But there were things even an older sister could not do.

As I pulled into the driveway, the motion censored light came on, revealing Celine’s tear stained cheeks.

I reached for Celine’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Tess, I’m scared.” She said, looking down at her lap.

I nodded, I was scared too, and if I was scared I knew Celine had to be a hundred times more scared.

“I know.” I said gently. “And I hope you know I’m here for you.”

“Thank you Tess.” Celine said.

“Celine, we’re sisters, as well as friends. No way would I let you go through this alone.”

I woke up to the sound of muffled cries, realizing after a moment it was the sound of Celine crying, sobbing, but she was trying to fight the tears, something I knew he did not need to do.

I quietly made my way to the room, that I had set up for my sister. I saw her sitting up on the edge of the bed.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s okay Celine.”

She stared down.

“I look like a freak. “

“Celine that’s not true.” I said gently. “Stop thinking that way.”

“I’m never going to be the same Tess.”

“Celine everyone changes, but in the ways that really matter, you are the same person.”

My sister leaned over, resting her head on my shoulder. For years we had been everything to each other.

Now Celine was twenty, and I was twenty four, young in most ways, but life had made us grow up fast.

I sat at the breakfast table, nursing a cup of coffee that had long since grown cold. My mind was not on the Coffee though, I was focused on my younger sister. I had not been able to protect her, but how do you protect someone that by its very definition is not something you can anticipate. But my sisters life had been turned upside down, and I felt helpless.

I had spent the night before listening to my sisters muffled cries. She was grieving, I knew that and I needed to let her grieve, it was natural, but I hated to see my head strong little sister in pain.

After a few moments, I finally decided I couldn’t take it any longer, and went into Celine’s room to check on her.

“Good morning.” I said softly. Pulling the desk chair next to Celine’s bed.

Celine didn’t say anything for a moment, she was exhausted, not so much physically, but emotionally, I could see that.

“Morning Tess.” Celine finally said, without much enthusiasm.

“Good morning.” I said, stifling a yawn, we both had, had a long night.

After a few moments of silence, I finally decided that it was time to break it.

“Celine, talk to me.” I said. “Get angry at me, just don’t hold it all in.”

“Tess, it isn’t your fault, I don’t blame you.”

“I just don’t want you holding it all in until you explode.”

“I feel broken Tess, less than whole, I feel like my life has been put on hold, and I don’t understand why.”

“I’m sorry.” Was all I could manage. “I’m here for you.”

“I know Tess, I couldn’t do this without you.”

And I couldn’t imagine loosing my sister. The accident, that call had terrified me. We needed each other.

I looked at my sister, the pain in her eyes, and wanted to be able to fix it, but somethings could not be fixed.

“I’m afraid Tess, afraid everyone is going to treat me differently.”

I stood, up, and placed a hand on my sisters shoulder, gently massaging it, it helped her relax, it eased some of the tension, and she needed that at the moment.

“I’m missing classes.” Celine said, with a sigh.

“You’ll catch up Celine.”

She was smart, and I knew in no time she’d be caught up, it wasn’t the classes that were concerning me, but everything else.

I looked at my sister, sitting at the table, a blanket covering her lap. I hurt for her, hurt to see her feeling so self conscious.

“Celine, we need to change the bandages.” I said. I knew it was hard for her, that it was painful in more ways than one, but it had to be done.

“I know.”

Celine was trying to do everything she could to pretend this away. She was having trouble coming to terms with the reality, the reality that she lived with every moment of her life.

I made my way to the bathroom, getting everything I needed to change Celine’s bandages, she sat on the sofa, staring off into space.

“It’s okay to allow yourself to feel Celine.”

“Tess, I’m not sure what I feel, other than scared.”

I nodded, the truth was I was scared too. Scared for Celine and everything she would have to face.

My sisters eyes fell on the pictures of her, on the wall, and the bookshelves, riding a bike, dancing,skating, things she had always been good at but I never was.

“I’ll never do those things again.” Celine was fighting back tears, but not successfully.

“You don’t know that.” I said softly.

Celine pulled the blanket off her lap.

“Look at me Tess, I’m not whole, they had to take my leg.”

“I know Celine.” I said, as she rested her head on my shoulder. “I don’t know how I’m going to do this.”

“I’ll tell you how you aren’t going to do it.” I said gently. “You aren’t going to do it alone.”

My sister nodded, silent tears spilling from her eyes.”

“I’m sorry.” Celine said, breaking the long silence that had fallen over the room. “I’ve been impossible, and this isn’t your fault.”

“It’s okay, you have a lot on your heart, on your mind.”

“It doesn’t excuse the way I have been treating you, but the truth is, I’m scared. I need to get back to the things I used to do, but what if I can’t.”

“Celine, you will always find a way to do the things that matter to you.” I said, and I had no doubt about it. My sister was determined, and she was stronger than she realized.

“I want to get through this, I want to live my life again Tess.”

“Celine, you will, I have no doubt about that. Don’t sell yourself short.”

Celine, looked down, at her lap, at the place where her left leg ended. She wasn’t always covering her lap with a blanket, she had given up trying to hide a reality she could not hide.

“I don’t know what this is going to mean for my future, I can’t help but wonder if any man will ever be able to fall in love with me.”

“Celine, you are not defined by what had happened, someone is going to love you. I have no doubt about that.”

“Tess, I want to believe you, I need to believe you.”

I nodded, grateful for my sister, grateful that we were able to have that conversation.

I had nearly lost my sister, but I hadn’t. She had been hurt but she was alive, and I knew she could have died. I needed Celine , and I knew she needed me too. We had been each other’s family for as long as I could remember, helping each other through the tough times, and now Celine needed me and I was going to do my best to help her in anyway I could.

There were things I could not help Celine with though, I couldn’t stop the phantom pain from sneaking up on her, at the most unexpected times. There was nothing phantom about the pain though, because I could see that it was very real.

Some nights, I could hear her crying out, and often I’d run to her room, to try and ease her pain, but nothing seemed to work. Thankfully it was not as frequent now, as it had been during the first days home from the hospital.

“I’m sorry Tess.” Celine would say on the evenings she would wake me up, with her tears. I never wanted nor expected an apology.

“Celine, you don’t have to apologize for hurting, if I can be of any help, I want to do just that.”

“I don’t know how.” Celine sighed. “I have pain in a leg that is no longer there.”

“I’m not just talking about that Celine, I’m talking about what you are dealing emotionally.”

“Half the time, I’m not even sure how I feel.” Celine sighed.

“That’s okay.” I said. “I’m still not going anywhere.”

Celine nodded, and set up straight, looking at me. “The doctor said I could take the bandages off for good today, I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

“It’s a step forward Celine, that’s great.” I said gently.

“This is real.” She sighed.

I nodded, knowing at the moment she did not need my words. I would not leave her side though, not as long as Celine needed me, and I needed her.

Some nights my sister and I would quietly watch favorite movies, and shows, quietly passing the time, laughing at the funny parts, and often crying at the sadder. It was good though, just to spend time together, laughing and crying. I was blessed to have a sister like Celine, I knew that.

“Celine, you’ll get through this, and you won’t have to do it alone.” I assured my little sister, who really wasn’t all that little anymore.

“I want to get back to classes Tess, but I’m not sure I’m ready, and honestly I’m afraid.”

“You’ll go back Celine, and you will do just fine, I have no doubt about that.”

“I wish I was as sure of me, as you are.”

“I know it isn’t easy Celine, I’m not going to pretend it’s going to be, but I know you can do hard things.”

“It’s only a fitting, so why am I so nervous?” Celine asked. She had been waiting for this day for a long time, but she had also been warned that due to the level of her amputation, learning to walk on a prosthetic or even getting fitted one wasn’t going to be an easy process, but Celine did not shy away from hard things, she never had and I was proud of her for that.

“You’ll be okay, whatever happens, you are going to be okay.” I assured her. “You are strong.”

“Right now, I can’t say I feel all that strong.”

Celine and I headed to the car. As nervous as she felt about all of this, Celine knew this was a step in the right direction. She was determined to walk, and of that meant having to work harder than she had ever worked in her life, my sister was not going to shy away from that. Celine was no stranger to hard work, but this was easily, the most difficult thing she had ever done, other than learning that they had to amputate. For the longest time Celine felt so broken after that, and I knew there were still times she felt that way. I hated that she did, and I did my best to comfort and encourage her, but as necessary as it was, and as often as she told me she would have made the same decision, I felt guilt for signing off on the amputation. It had been the only option, but it hadn’t made things easy.

“It’s not your fault Tess. You did what you had to do, and as hard as this is, it wasn’t my time.”

Celine had a way of knowing what I was thinking before I said a word. We knew each other so well often, words did not have to be spoken, we just needed to listen to the silence.

I wanted to believe Celine’s words, I really did, but it was far from easy.

I sat in the waiting room, Celine and I waiting for my sister to be called. She’d already demanded I go in with her and all the necessary paperwork had been filled out. I had been with her every step of the way, and Celine wasn’t about to let that change. I couldn’t blame her, because I would have wanted Celine there for me.

How I wished it was me going through this, and not her. I wish I was the one dealing with the amputation, the prosthetic fittings and the crippling phantom pain, better me than her, sadLucas I could not take her place, so the least I could do was be there for her. I could encourage her every step of the way, just as I had in every dance completion she had ever been in.

“Tess, thank you.”

“For what?”

“For always being there for me, when it matters.”

I was only doing my duty as a sister, as a best friend, because Celine was truly my best friend, and I was hers.

“I know I couldn’t do this on my own Tess, I’m truly grateful you are here for me.”

“I’m grateful that I still have my little sister, I had never been so scared when I got the call, saying you had been hurt, and I was scared as I signed off on the surgery.”

“You did the right thing, if you hadn’t I may not be here, as hard as this is, I don’t have a death wish, nor do I want to spend my life in excoriating pain.”

“I just wish you hadn’t been hurt.” I sighed.

“Tess that wasn’t your fault, you were at home when the other driver lost her breaks, it was an accident, no ones fault, certainly not yours.”

Before long, Celine was called into the doctors office to be sure that everything was healing well enough, before Celine was sent to her appointment to be fitted for her prosthetic, we were relieved when everything had been okay. The doctor was satisfied with the way Celine was healing even if she had felt it was moving to slow. The doctor had assured that was not the case though, that in fact she was healing faster than many, likely do to her youth. I couldn’t help but smile in relief, grateful that despite everything my sister was doing well.

There were of course things that we could not change, like what that accident had done to her, but I was grateful that she had made it, and Celine had assured me she was too. I knew though, that she struggled and grieved, but she no longer felt the need to hold it all in all the time as she had at first, she had learned it was easier to talk to me, than to hold it all in.

“Why do I feel so weird about this, so afraid, somethings going to go wrong?” Celine asked.

“It’s going to be okay, you’ll do great.” I assured her. “In just a matter of time, you will be walking again.”

“I wish, I felt as certain as you sound Tess.”

I’m certain, because I know you, and I know strong you are.”

“I can’t say I feel so strong right now.”

“You are.” I assured my little sister. “Don’t ever forget that, whether or not you ever take another step, you are strong, though I certainly believe you will walk again, and do everything you want to do.”

“I want to believe that Tess, I really do.”

“Have faith in yourself Celine, you’ll get through this.”

She nodded, leaning her head back against, the head rest, while I got her Chair out of the car. Soon she’d be able to walk into places on her own, I believed that, and hoped she would too, this was the first step towards that.

“I want to believe you Tess, this is just hard.”

“I know.” I said gently. “But I know you too, you aren’t going to shy away from anything simply because it’s hard.”

Celine nodded, as she maneuvered herself into the chair. She stopped for a moment and looked up at me. “I can tell you one thing, it will be nice, not always to depend on this.” Celine said, gripping the wheels on her wheelchair.

“You aren’t always going to have to depend on the Chair, but even if you continue to need the Chair it does not change the fact that you are strong.”

“Do you really think I can do this?” Celine asked, wide eyed, pleading.”

“I know you can.” I said. “You’ve spent your life fighting for hard things.”

“We both have.” Tess said reminding me gently. “You took on my care when you were little more than a child yourself and our parents decided they no longer wanted to be parents.”

I nodded, I had fought for Celine, because she needed me, not a bunch of strangers, and I needed her too. I was glad I had fought for my little sister, and that I had won the battle. My sister was definitely worth fighting for.

“I wouldn’t be so strong, if it weren’t for you Tess.” Celine said. “You were always the one that had me I was worth fighting for.”

“And you reminded me that giving up was not an option, that you were all the family I needed.” I said.

The fitting didn’t take as long as we had expected so Celine and I went out to lunch afterwards. I knew she still felt uncomfortable around others. always concerned about the way others looked at her. She worried about the way others saw her, but I reminded her it mattered more about the way she saw herself, it was far more important to focus on what she thought of herself than to worry about the way others saw her.

On occasion people would stare, when it was a child, staring at Celine out of curiosity but when it was an adult who was doing it out of rudeness, someone acting as if my sister had the plague. When in fact it had been an accident that had taken her leg, not some disease or sickness someone could catch. Thankfully most people were not like that though, Celine had a fair number of people rally behind her. Friends from Church, friends from her dance class had encouraged Celine from the start, and I was thankful for that.

“I’m going to get through this, aren’t I Tess?” Celine asked.

“You are.” I assured her. “I’ll be there for you, in anyway I can.”

Celine smiled, grateful that we had each other. The same gratitude I felt knowing I wasn’t alone.

“I know you will, and that truly does help.”

I smiled grateful for my sisters appreciation, grateful that she was here with me. She had decided to move back in with me after the accident, and though I hated the way it had happened I was glad to have my sister back with me. My place had felt so lonely after she had moved out. Now she was back, and I found that fact comforting.

“I’m glad you’re here.” I said gently. “You know you can stay as long as you want.”

“I know.” Celine smiled. “And I am grateful.”

“I am too.” I said. “I’m grateful for you, grateful that I have such an awesome little sister.”

“And I have an awesome big sister.” Celine said. “One who has always fought for me, I’m truly grateful for that.”

We pulled into a nice little Italian Restaurant, Italian food was a favorite of both my sister and I, so on the occasions when we decided to go out, it was easy to pick. It was nice to just sit down to lunch at a quaint little restaurant with my sister. We both deserved a treat on occasion, and this was definitely that.

“Tess, if it’s okay with you, would you mind going shopping afterwards.”

“Of course not Celine, but are you sure you are up for it?” I asked.

“Honestly no, but I would like to try.” Celine said. “I need to start living my life again.

I smiled it was good to see my little sister coming back to herself. And that was truly a blessing, something I needed to thank God for.

“And you are Celine, I’m proud of you for pushing yourself so far.”

“I don’t want to be defined by this Tess, I don’t want this one bad thing to define who I am.”

“And you won’t be defined by it, the accident, the amputation does not define you, you do.”

Celine nodded, knowing the truth in what I had said. We weren’t defined by the bad things that happened to u, the accidents that turned our lives upside down, instead we were defined by how we faced those challenges.

As we sat to pray over our meal, as the food was served, I found myself thinking how much had changed in the past few weeks. Some of it had been hard, but there had been good parts to like my sister and I being under the same roof again. Someday I knew we’d move on, have families of our own, Celine would once again want a place of her own, but one thing was certain we would always be sisters, and that was a blessing.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this, going shopping, it seems so small Tess, but at the same time it feels so big.”

“That’s because it’s a brig deal, you were afraid to leave the house at first.”

“I was to focused on the way I felt others saw me. I know now that’s not what’s important, there are far more important things than whether or not a bunch of strangers are going to judge me, because I’m an amputee.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” I said. “Because it’s far more important that you are comfortable with yourself.”

Going shopping it seemed so simple, so basic, but it was a step forward for Celine. My sister had spent far to much time worrying about what others thought of her, now she had come to accept the fact that she was the one who had to decide to move on with her life, she had to decide not to be defined by what others thought of her. I knew it had not been easy for her, but I was proud of how far she had come and how far she would go. When she first came home she couldn’t stand to be without a blanket over her lap, now she didn’t feel the need to hide what happened, though I knew it still affected her, it always would, she had lost her leg in an a accident, but she had not lost her life and that was definitely a reason to celebrate.

“I guess I was kind of being ridiculous.” Celine said, as we made our way back to the car, exhausted from an afternoon shopping, but happy.

“You weren’t being ridiculous, you were afraid and that’s okay. Honestly I would be too, but I’m glad you are pushing forward.”

“Believe me Tess, I’m glad about that too. I was only making myself miserable and dragging you down with me, that’s the last thing I wanted to do.”

“Celine, you weren’t to blame for my feelings, that’s all on me, but I truly am glad to see you wanting to live your life again.”

“As hard as this is, I know that giving up would be worse.” Celine said. “I still have a lot of life to live, and as soon as I’m strong enough, I want to go back to classes, and hopefully I’ll get back to dance again.”

“You don’t know how happy that makes me Celine.” I said.

“It makes me happy to Tess.”

It was good to see my sister coming back to herself. Losing her leg in that accident had been a great tragedy, but letting it destroy who she was on the inside would be a greater tragedy.

After we got home Celine and I were ready for a night of simply taking it easy, watching our favorite programs on television, and enjoying one another’s company. It was good that we were able to do that, but we always had been case like that. It’s not to say that we see eye to eye on everything, but when it matters we are there for one another.

I was grateful that we had each other, that Celine could lean on me, and I could lean on her when it truly mattered. It was good knowing that you had someone to lean on as you walked through life’s trials and triumphs. We could grieve with each other as well as celebrate with each other.

“A penny for your thoughts.” Celine said, borrowing an old expression.

“I was just thinking about how grateful I am that we have each other, through the good and the bad we will always be sisters.”

Celine nodded. “I’m grateful for that too, grateful that I have had you throughout this, even when I was having trouble believing in myself, you did not let your belief in me die.”

“I could never do that.”

“Thank you for that Tess.”

“You don’t need to thank me.” I said gently. “You’re my little sister, it’s my job to believe in you.”

“Even when I have failed to believe in myself?”

“Especially if you have failed to believe in yourself.” I assured her.

My sister smiled at me, grateful that I was there for her, just as I was grateful she was there for me.

“I think I want to use the Crutches more.” Celine said. “I know I’ll likely need them for awhile even after I get the prosthesis, I may as well get used to them. “

“Maybe practice at home first.” I suggested gently.

“That’s what I planned to me, but I’d like to eventually use them more than the Chair, and eventual ditch the chair.”

“I have no doubt that you will do just that.” I said smiling. “You set your mind to something and I have no doubt you’ll achieve it.”

“That’s because you have always had such a strong believe in me. You made me feel that anything was possible if I put my mind to it.”

I was only doing what our parents should have. I didn’t say this out loud, but I knew I didn’t have to Celine knew why I had such a fierce belief in her, why I fought so hard to make sure my sister knew she was worthy, that she was worth fighting for.

“Before long you’ll be dancing again.” I said, smiling.

Celine nodded, her eyes misting with tears. “The only reason I can believe that Tess, is because you do.”

“Celine, never sell yourself short, you have talent, it’s your hard work that will get you there. I’m not the one putting the work in.”

“But you were the one who opened your door, and let me move back in, you were the one who helped care for me when I had neither the strength or energy to care for myself.”

“We’re sisters we are meant to be there for one another when times are tough. I know that if I had been the one who was hurt you would have done the same for me.”

Celine simply nodded, because there was nothing else to be said. She knew I was right sisters were there for each other when it truly mattered. We may not always see eye to eye, but that certainly did not mean we didn’t love each other, that was for sure.

“I’m glad we have each other.” Celine said. “I can’t imagine you not being my sister Tess.”

“And I couldn’t imagine not having you as my little sister either Celine.”

I smiled truly grateful my sister had find her fight again. Celine had come a long way since she had come home from the hospital. She no longer felt the need to hide what happened, realizing even if she wanted to it wasn’t something she could or should hide.

~

Celine soon mastered the forearm crutches, using them more often than the chair, though when we had to go for long distances or be out when the ground was slick she opted for the Chair which I knew was more of my sake than her own, she didn’t want to worry me anymore than she already felt that she had. I knew none of this was her fault though, she hadn’t caused the accident, it had been just that an accident, no one was to blame and she certain,y hadn’t worried me on purpose, I was concerned because I cared, she was concerned about me too, because we were the only family we had. We had spent years clinging to each other, fighting for each other as children, even before our parents had left.

Sadly looking back now, I realize that perhaps them leaving was the best thing they could have done for us. The turmoil of our childhood had ended, and when they left I was old enough to care for Celine, just as I had been doing for years.

Several times as Children, concerned neighbors had called Child Welfare Services on our parents but our parents could put on a good act when they wanted too, and we had been to afraid to speak out.

I knew now that things could have ended tragically, but Celine and I had made it, and that was a gift, and I knew it was one that we could never take for granted.

I shook myself back to the here and now, I did not want to go to the dark place that was our childhood.

“As hard as loosing my leg in that accident was, what our parents did to us was ten times worse Tess.” Celine said, as if she was reading my thoughts.

She had to stop that, it got spooky at times, the way she seemed to know what I was thinking.

I simply nodded, there was really nothing to say, because what our parents had done to us, cut soul deep, the drugs, the abandonment, the way they had used us to get what we wanted. This cut far deeper than through skin and bone, the pain went soul deep.

Celine and I had come a long way, we knew exactly what we didn’t want to be, but in many ways we were still those scared little girls, the ones that had clung to each other as if we needed the lifeline, and we did.

I wanted to shake the feelings, the bad memories, but it was hard when they snuck up on me like this.

Tess lowered herself on the sofa next to me, placed a hand on my shoulder. “Tess, you don’t always have to be the strong one.”

I nodded, but said nothing, the memories were too strong.

“I know everything you did to protect me.” Celine said. “I’ll never take that for granted, but for once Celine allow yourself to feel, don’t bottle it all up.”

I sat there quietly, tears falling from my cheeks, as Celine handed me Kleenex. I simply nodded my thanks, unable to speak.

The memories I had thought I had buried so deep, had a way of resurfacing when I least expected. It wasn’t as if you could prepare for the dark memories of your childhood to resurface. A childhood in which I was never really allowed to be a child.

I had tried to forgive my parents for the pain they had caused Celine and I, knowing that forgiveness offered release, knowing that God wanted me to forgive, but it was hard forgiving the very people who were supposed to protect us and instead only hurt us.