There are tales of the lost colonies that attempted to settle in what would eventually be called America. Legends involving the lost colony of Roanoke still find their way into modern pop culture. There’s an appeal to these unsolved mysteries of colonial America.

But there’s one colony that you won’t hear about on any local historical tour of the Boston area. It’s not that they won’t tell you about it as I’m sure they’d love a chance to spout out some of their well-researched knowledge. These past passionate folk simply don’t know about the small group of people of the lost colony of New Jeffsburg.

Not much is known about New Jeffsburg, as currently there is only one known descendant of the colony. For the past 11 years, Danny Bradigan, a 26 year old man out of Duluth, Minnesota has been telling folks about his ancestors and the more interesting aspects of their culture.

New Jeffsbergians are known for having a unique perspective on the world, based on what I learned from Bradigan.

The primary food on Foggy Frog Island, where the settlement was founded, was both hard and soft pretzels. But as they forgot to bring cows along on their trip, they were unable to have any warm cheese dipping sauce once the initial barrels brought on their ship had run out.

With a lack of warm cheese, morale began to drop and the people split into three factions of a half dozen or less people in each.

The Forcheesians, the largest of the groups, believed that staying on Foggy Frog island was limiting their search for new cheeses. They wanted to leave the camp and move on to cheesier pastures.

Standing opposite and just slightly smaller in population was the Nogoudans, a strict anti-cheese group. It is believed that these people were likely the lactose intolerant members of the colony. Likely they bonded over their mutual intentional distress and enjoyed the lack of dairy in New Jeffsburg.

The Awesomites were the smallest of the groups, being led and populated by one single man, Captain Jeffrey Bowflex. He had been the navigator and led the small group to where they settled.

Bowflex had many strange beliefs like how he believed that muffins were just cupcakes without frosting or that people judged a person by how interesting their hat looks. He jogged everywhere, as in he never walked a single step. The 40 year old had spent most of his life on the sea and the years of salty air had led him to some of his insights.

His greatest belief is that how the day and night process works.

Modern science tells of the Earth spinning, the moon spinning around the Earth, and that those two are also spinning around the Sun. In all of that solar dancing, we end up with sunny days and moony nights. Other cultures have their own legends and Bowflex had his own too.

He believed that the moon was a massive floating cookie and was in the process of being baked by some unknown and greater force. Being that fully baked cookies start off as cookie dough, Bowflex believed that the moon was not quite done cooking. Because of this, the moon is only seen at night as during the day it is being cooked by the sun. This process is both incredibly hot and incredibly cold on a astrophysical level that the moon cannot be seen during the day and the Sun cannot stay powered on for more than about 12 hours.

Unfortunately the lost teachings of Captain Bowflex and the people of New Jeffsburg are at risk of being lost to time. Bradigan, the only man left who knows about the lost colony, is being told to get a job or move out of his dad’s basement. Bradigan claims that if he is forced to work another shift at bowling alley he runs the risk of forgetting all about the legend of New Jeffsburg.