Hey Stranger,

I don't know if you will read this letter immediately this time or hide it in your basement for the next five years. Again. However, today is September 25th, 2019.

The past few months I’ve tried to convince myself I could make it without wishing you a Happy Birthday this year, pushing along the process of our contact slowly fading out.

Well, look how that worked out - still sneaking in my congratulations…But at the same time saying goodbye - not from life, don't worry. "Only" from us.

Because I think it's good that we are not in contact anymore.

Also: I hate everything about it

I have no idea where we went wrong. I really thought we could pull it off this time. But wow - did we fail right in round 1! Ding Ding Ding!

How I would love to sit down with you next to a campfire, a bottle of beer in both our hands, poking fun at how silly this all went down:

Joke about how tense we were at the beginning of the year, dismantle why exactly it did not work out all these past years. You’d have to bear with my accusations of how I hate that you won’t open your mouth and speak your truth and I’d have to endure how angry you probably were that I hardly let you get close to me.

And we’d probably both be mad about how everything just fizzled out.

Silly enough, this is still what I want.

But what I need is that not every corner in New York reminds me of you, that I stop looking into every police car in the city hoping you're in it and above all I need to not be in love with a vision of a potential relationships that let’s me turn a blind eye to the life that is actually happening to me.

God I was so utterly in love with you! In love with you and the idea of ​​moving into a gorgeous house with you on the outskirts of New York, starting a family and watching our dog jump through our garden while we enjoy a barbecue with friends, having the time of our lives.

This all sounds so foolish and dramatic, but I want you to know that I didn't just stop answering your messages on a whim. I did it because it felt like a good time to finally cut the cord. Because I couldn't believe that we've been telling each other, for so many years, if only we could finally be together, everything would be perfect and then a three hour distance is too big an obstacle for you.

Because I couldn't believe that I kept you at a distance like that.

Bo, I love everything we've had together. I'll probably wander through New York for a long time, thinking that you're right next to me like a protective shadow and I'll probably look at the Big Dipper more than once wondering where you are and how you're doing.

I just hope you're okay.

Happy Birthday!