I call him into the room, nervously laughing. I’ve been pacing the room for minutes, but my heart is racing, I’m shaking, & it feels like I’m running on adrenaline. Will I be able to do this & not chicken out?

I can’t even hide my nerves as I walk shakily from point A to point B, not even 6 feet away. I can’t barely form words, let alone get him focused on what’s going on in this room & not distracted from talking to a teacher. How the hell am I going to tell him?

I planned it out. I planned this whole speech out in my room. Like, 50 times, at least. To the point where I started changing it in the tiniest fragments bc I was going crazy over explaining & then oversimplifying everything. & in the end, I knew the moment had to be real & not scripted bc really what the heck is love if it’s scripted? That’s not love. There are certain things you just can’t plan for. Like trying to get him to focus on what I’m abt to say bc he just got excited from seeing a teacher down the hall.

There are a hundred thoughts flooding my head. A thousand different ways this could go, a million routes we could take, simply by saying different words. & even though I somewhat planned it out, I couldn’t decide wtf I wanted to say.

“I need to tell you something.” There. I said something. I had expected my voice to be shakier, but I guess I hadn’t really told him anything yet. I also already hated my wording. Did I want to tell him something? Yes. Did I need to? No. This didn’t need to come out. There was no need for this.

I glanced up at him. I had his full attention. I had wanted that, but it made this so much scarier now.

“I… like you…” Wow, that came out easier than expected. Where were all the nerves all those stories talked abt? Surely the shaking wasn’t the worst of it?

I needed to add something. Something truthful, but not that bad. I had planned & erased the idea of telling him how long I’d liked him. But this had been too simple, too short.

“…& I’m terrified of what it means.” Did that make it worse? Better? Did he like me? Was he also terrified, or was it just me? I mean, I hadn’t lied. I was terrified. If this all went to hell, we’d be screwed. I’d be screwed. But keeping it a secret was killing me inside.

I started pacing in front of him, not looking at him. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned to him & asked “Do you… like me?” & ofc that’s when my voice came out small, quiet, & so, so hesitant. This is what I’d wanted, so why was I scared to ask for requited love?

“I… don’t know. I’d never considered it.”

He was looking at me, his gaze a mixture of concern & worry. (…that’s the same thing, isn’t it lol)

I should’ve known. I kept holding out hope, but I shouldn’t known from that moment. If you have to consider if you like someone like that, you don’t like them. But I knew his history w/ love & crushes. He’d never liked anyone before, & I wanted so badly for me to be his first.

But I should’ve known. When I say I misread all the signs given to me, this is exactly what I mean.