I had never seen her cry before

My grandma

Every other time I’ve seen her

She’s always happy and eager

I had never seen her cry before

Not until now

I don’t even know if crying is the right word

I’ve seen other people cry

In the past

I do it quite often myself to be honest

When I fall on the playground

And scrape my knee

Or when I feel like no one wants to play with me

I know the feeling very well

I have never needed practice when it comes to crying

A prickling in the nose and a warm feeling around the eyes

Followed by tears running down my cheeks

They come all by themselves, really

Sometimes they fall slowly

Like the delicate raindrops on our car window during summer rides

Other times there are too many of them to count

They come together as one salty mass that covers my face and dries out my skin

Crying has never scared me though

Perhaps because I am no stranger to the sensation

I also expected it, being where I am today

I was warned by my dad

I knew the terms coming here

And yet I insisted

I wanted to prove that I was big enough

Grown enough

That I could handle it

But seeing her

Grandma

This way

It is a feeling I cannot describe

It’s like I can see her body falling apart

Piece by piece

As if her tears were acid

Dissolving the skin and meat that holds her entire being together

She is shaking violently and lets out a scream from somewhere deep in her chest

I never imagined her being able to make such a sound

It startles me and I feel shivers cover my spine

Adults rarely cry in front of me now that I think of it

And when they do they make sure to do it in a quiet way that has always annoyed me

They wipe away their tears right before looking at me

Clear their throat and speak to me in a voice that is too high pitched for them to actually fool anyone

It’s almost as if they thought themselves too good or perhaps too old to be sad

Or at least to show it

It’s a silly thought, though

Is that what they really think?

In that case they are wrong

For here she stands

The oldest and best person I know

Grandma

She doesn’t care about appearing fine at all

Doesnt worry about dignity or acting in a mature manner like the rest of them

She hides nothing

Not even from me

A child

Only a few years older than the grandson she just lost forever

I once heard my mom saying that loosing a child is a parent’s worst nightmare

This right here

This must be grandma’s

I feel a burning urge to run to her and bury my face in her warm skin as I cry with her

But I don’t even know if that would help

Or make it worse

Would it bring her comfort?

Or simply remind her of what she has lost

If only I could take her pain away

If I could lift the weight off her shoulders, rip the knot out of her chest

I would throw it in the ocean

Watch it sink

Make sure it never returns

But I cannot take her pain

For it is hers to bear

The only thing I can do

Is to let her have it