Thursday afternoons had always been my favourite days. Today, we sat on our blue park bench, but instead of sitting side by side like usual, we sat at opposite ends, which left a large gap in betweeen.

A cool breeze brought shivers to my body as I looked around. Although the cerulean sky was clouded, it was still bright enough that my eyes sharpened against the contrast of raw daylight. Colourful leaves drifted by, some dancing in the wind and others skipping against the faded green grass. Autumn’s here in Rochester were a weird and bipolar season, for both it’s rainy and windy weather. I woke up everyday, not knowing what to expect. I guess today, Mother Nature had sided with the wind.

I shivered again and looked beside me. He didn’t move.

I stared at the kids playground a few feet in front of us. Years ago, we used to play here. I remember hiding under the whole play structure, making imaginary food for each other out of sand. I would scoop it into my hands and place it in front of me. I’d try my best to shape it into a square before adding more sand on top. Then I stuck my finger in the middle and swirled it around in a loopy pattern. “Dinner is served,” I said. He shook his head and gave me a silly, knowing smile. We talked and pretended to eat our food there, just us two, hidden in solitary under the structure.

As I sat on our blue bench now, I sighed. The breeze past through again and instinctively, a chill swept through my entire body. I looked beside me. He only looked ahead. He didn’t move.

My eyes drifted to the steep red slides that faced us. I remember our competitions against each other on those slides. We’d raced down them, just to climb up the stairs to race again. One time, I was moving too fast to reach the stairs and tripped on the sand. My shin banged against one of the metal poles that kept the playground standing. I had howled in pain and fell to the ground. He stopped and dropped to the ground next to me. As I cried, his arms wrapped around me. Even when the tears stopped, and I was only rocking back and forth in a weak effort to soothe the pain, he didn’t let go. Not until he was sure I was okay. And once I was, we got up and raced again. We kept racing for a few more hours, until it was time to go home.

I looked to my side now. Still, he stayed in the same stoic position, looking straight ahead. He didn’t move.

The cool breeze passed by again. I glanced at the yellow swings, standing apart from everything else on the right of the playground. The swings swung in tandem with the breeze, its motion slow and tranquil. One swing obnoxiously squeaked as it moved while the others made no sound. I remember learning how to swing on that swing set. “I don’t know how to explain it, I guess,” he had said then, laughing at my pouting face as I dangled my little legs in front of me. “You just swing,” and he started to swing. I kicked my legs and huffed, hoping to match my movement with him. I only focused on following his lead and keeping up. Eventually, I actually did. He had smiled and said nothing else as we continued to swing for the rest of the time we spent there that day.

I shivered again. The hairs on my arms had come to a stand. I looked beside me. He was quiet, he didn’t move.

I took a shaky breath as my chest tightened. Unlike that day at the red slides, I wouldn’t allow my tears to come out today. I know it was just a basic, city playground, but it didn’t only consist of the slides, swings, and other elements that I had grown up in for such a long part of my childhood. In a way, it contained part of me as well, or at least my memories. And his too.

But today was our last Thursday afternoon together. I would never come back here again.

I looked at him once more. He was still quiet and motionless. I felt a large drop of water fall to my shoulders. It wasn’t tears though. No, it was Mother Nature and her mood swings. I looked beside me, at him again. “I love you, you know.” My words floated in the air, but they were far from void of meaning. My breath hiccuped, in replacement of pity tears. I had spent so many afternoons here, crying. But I was so tired of the crying and the tears, all of it. I didn’t want to anymore, I only wanted the good memories. “I love you 𝘀𝗼 much. Thanks for loving me.” I only wish I had remembered to tell him that when he was still here.

I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes. After a moment, I opened my eyes and let that breath out. For the first time since he had passed, i felt a little bit like breathing again.

I looked beside me, but he was gone. He was gone, like he always had been. He was gone and so was the wind, as a crack of thunder cried out. All at once, heavy rain started to pour as I stood up to start the walk back to my car alone.