STORY STARTER
One day you can hear people’s thoughts. They know you can hear them.
Write a story about how this affects your relationships with your friends and family.
STORY STARTER
One day you can hear people’s thoughts. They know you can hear them.
Write a story about how this affects your relationships with your friends and family.
Ok! Thank you very much for your feedback! I’ll keep that in mind.
Points I picked up on: I don’t really get the remark about Victor having tomato skin. Are you trying to say he has a red face? I wouldn’t use weep, it sounds overzealous when using it for speech and you don’t really associate a way of speaking with weeping. I would think about saying “a weeping Urvi said.”
Avoid using too many adjectives with speech. The first three lines use mumbled, weeped (which should also be wept), and boomed when literally saying “said” works fine. It reads a bit clumsy otherwise. You’ve used “scolded”, “shrieked”, “gasped”, “hissed”, “pleaded”, “squealed”, and “babyishly with sly sneer” as well later on. The latter one I don’t understand, either.
My takeaway would be to simplify your writing. Rather than trying to explain all the small details, just concentrate on telling the story, because by the end I was only getting the jist of a sibling fight.