Lonely Together

Lonely together

I hear your footsteps come down the hall and I know its you, but its not you.

I can hear in your lumbering gait that there is something else there, the loneliness.

You missed it. Again.

I made dinner and you fell asleep, so I ate alone.

I negotiated the toothbrushing and the pajamas and the bedtime stories, and you snored.

I guess its better than fighting, or me trying to wake you, but the quiet nights aren’t quiet inside my head.

I’m up for hours just being alone, the house is asleep and quiet but not me.

My brain whirs like an engine, poring over comments, conversations, mannerisms.

Why am I like this?

It’s late, I’m tired but my eyes are stuck, dry and blurry but I don’t want to go to sleep, I don’t want to be done I need more time to myself. By myself.

It’s later, and I can’t stand the sound of your snoring. With every inhale I want to shake you awake, I want to scream at you, I want to hit you. Why are you leaving all this to me?

Why don’t you want to do with me?

Do you even know how lonely I am?

You flop into bed and I hold my breath, if I don’t move maybe you’ll think I’m asleep.

If I don’t breathe maybe you’ll fall asleep again and I can have peace. I’m afraid my anger will escape.

But maybe I want it to get out, maybe I want you to see my tears, my hurt, how can I show you broken heart when its on the inside?

How can I share my tumultuous thoughts when its so foggy and cloudy in there?

You don’t want to fight but I do, or maybe I want to flee. Or cry, its hard to know

But I know I’m lonely, I’m lonely when I’m being clung to with little hands,

I’m lonely when Im drying tears, and kissing skinned knees but you’re in the garage working on something,

You’re getting things done and I’m waiting for you, I’m waiting for you to make me feel not lonely when were together

Im waiting for the loneliness to leave me, but I want you to stay.