STORY STARTER
"I didn't realise she was going to tell me something so personal!"
Write a story with this as the opening line.
STORY STARTER
"I didn't realise she was going to tell me something so personal!"
Write a story with this as the opening line.
Overall this writing was engaging and you did a great job of drawing out the tension of the character. Pay more attention to connective pieces that link your action sequences and plot points together. For instance, when Jaime agrees to go for coffee and scones with Nicky, this could use more of an introduction as to why she agreed. This way, the reveal of Nicky's blog is a bigger surprise.
Further, there are several run-on sentences, which can be confusing and detract from the overall flow of the story. Furthermore, while it may be intentional in order to demonstrate the characters' energy, the lack of punctuation in dialogue can create further confusion. To improve upon this, consider giving the dialogue more structure and clarity. You could also make the dialogue more realistic by playing with syntax and extending the length of some of your sentences. This will give depth to your characters and make them easier for readers to connect with.
Finally, it would be beneficial to clarify the conclusion of the story - what is the outcome? You could link back to the opening line and reveal what the personal detail was that Jamie is so shocked about, as it is not clear to the reader what Nicky has told Jamie.
Your story was interesting, and with some minor adjustments your storytelling will be even stronger!