When I walk into my bedroom, the sight of my bed brings the exhaustion in my mind and body to a boil. I plop down and almost as quick as my head hits the pillow I begin to drift off. I knew this would happen it always happens after therapy. I know it will get easier and I won’t always be this tired coming home, but I still hate this feeling of totally drained. The glory of BPD and PTSD I suppose.

I feel every part of my body become heavy and feel as if I am sinking further into the mattress. I am drawn into the darkness. Falling deeper, and deeper until I begin to hear birds.

I open my eyes and am greeted by a crystal blue sky big fluffy clouds. Under me I feel the the cool kiss of soft grass. A calm breeze spins around me. Wafting the scents of more flowers than I could possibly name. I sit up and am flooded by colors, every colour of the rainbow is represented in an plethora of different shapes and sizes all around me. There is a stone path leading to a large maple tree.

I am wondering down the path taking in everything that is around me. I run my finger along a tulip as I pass by. I make my way into the clearing and I notice a young girl sitting at the base of the tree with a book in her lap. Her long brown hair flows down just below her shoulders in lose curls. She is smiling down at a caterpillar inching across the edge of her book.

“Hello.” I say

She looks up at me

“Isn’t it pretty?” She asks

“Yes it is.” A smile spreads across my face

“It is safe in here you know. We are happy here.” She says look over the sprawling land

“I know, we built it to be safe.” I explain

“Are we safe out there?” She asks

“We are.” I tell her

“That is good” and a grin that make her eyes almost close lights up her little face “how old are we?”

“30 as of yesterday”

“We are old” she says to me

I walk over to her and I tuck a lose strained of hair behind her ear. And I look in her eyes and I see it. The same spark in mine. Joy. True joy.

A mix of that same joy and something I can’t quite describe blooms in my chest.

“You aren’t, but I am and that is ok. Because you are still in me, and because of that I still get to play.”

I didn’t think her smile could grow but it did.

I look up at the sky and I breath in. I breath in the warmth, the safety, the calm. And I pull the little girl into my arms and hug her. Because I love her. Because I know that she is me and I am her. And we both are safe.