i sit at your spot at the table and i think do i want to be you or do i just miss you

i take naps in your bed and read books on your carpet and pretend you're in the room down the hall

i look at the couch you played video games on and curl myself into the dip in the center cushion because you never sat anywhere else

i do my work at your desk and i ring your little bell sometimes because i remember when you first put the label on it and heard it ding one afternoon and thought to myself i wish i could give him a hug

i leave bottles of water around the house like how you scattered your half empty plastic cups

and there's tears on my phone screen right now because i'm writing this while crying and it's hard to see

i see you every week but only for an hour

i went looking for photos where you were smiling a real smile

i found two

i wish you could have been my big brother a little bit sooner