okay i know i said that there wouldn't be anything else to tell you but this is really big

so if you would just listen to me i think that you would be able to understand it

you see there have been years and years of feeling s built up on my shoulders

and lots of tiny emotion words swirling in my head

and remember when I told you that i saw my friends as friends but they were also so much more

like sisters that had little stars in their hearts

and when we would hug that the stars inside of my heart would dance all around my body because they were so overjoyed that they were seeing their other star friends

and when i put on makeup for the first time and it never really felt right

until I started to do theater and they let me have full control of how I wanted to have my character look

and I brainstormed and looked on Pinterest and journaled and drew and grabbed on the edge of my phone case

and searched for plane tickets and train tickets and something more

and remember when I told you there were gears constantly turning in my head

and breaking off and being replaced over and over again

and I keep saying and and and like a broken record

sorry I am just nervous because I am not quite sure how you're going to react and I'm so nervous

but I think I have been saying that I have thought differently than you for a long long time and that you haven't been listening

because what if the sky is so blue to me but you never really see it in the same shade

like isn't it crazy that my blue could be your green and that my green could be your purple and we could never really know any of it at all

am i rambling again

im sorry but this is just really big and i don't know what you will say

because sometimes when the words come out of your mouth

they cover me like a soft blanket of snow on a cold winter morning

just crunchy enough for me to leave a significant footprint and really hear it on the ears of my feet

and other time when the words come out of my mouth like little thorns from a rose bush

and i get impaled in the back by one of the little ones but I still have all of the roses all around me so I feel okay because I am still looking at something really pretty even though I am really hurting

I feel like when you speak to me like rosebushes you have a sort of agave syrup over each syllable

like when your words stab me like thick cactus thorns and I get that feeling like I have a heartbeat all around me and anyways I just wanted to apologize for being queer about it

jumping over tables on the subject

I hope you understood me well enough that time.