Growing up on the coast of South Carolina, I have always been drawn to the ocean. The tangy scent of the air, the seagulls laughter ringing through the cool breezes, and the ocean glistening under a pink and yellow sunset are engrained into my mind, taking control of my senses.

All except for one, that is. I have no idea what the sand feels like between my toes. Is it hot from the sun or cool from the water and the breeze?

I yearn to know the feeling of the ocean water. I learned in school that the ocean is salt water, so does that mean the water is course? Will I be able to feel grains of actual salt? Or, is it smooth like bath water?

There are animals that live in the ocean as well, or so I am told. Can you see them as you swim? Or do they swim away and hide? The Atlantic Ocean is apparently over 8,000 meters deep, and even with so much water to explore, I am stuck here on the boardwalk afraid to go any further.

I watch the groups of people as they go about their evening. A mother is attempting to wrangle her kids to leave as the father gathers their belongings. They all look exhausted, and the children’s faces are bright red begging for a cold reprieve. A woman has been sleeping under an umbrella since I got here over an hour ago. Someone might want to check on her. A group of young college aged boys are finishing up a game of volleyball before it gets too dark. A group of girls sit nearby and talk to each other and occasionally cheer on the boys. I’m assuming their girlfriends.

All around me people are enjoying the beach especially those in the water, so why have I been forbidden from even touching the sand? Don’t even mention going into the ocean to my mom. I only barely convinced her to let me venture out to the boardwalk when I turned 17. That was over a year ago now. I’ve since graduated high school and am now in my first year of college, and I’m still afraid to step into the sand with my bare feet. I never come this close to the beach with open toed shoes except for today. Today, I wore sandals.

I woke up this morning not knowing I would be defying my mother, but here I am. I have been pacing the boardwalk now for almost two hours.

“I can do this,” I think to myself. “I have to do this.”

I take a deep breath and head towards an entrance to the beach. I stop at the edge, staring at the sand trail to the beach in front of me. The ocean seems so much bigger from here. I close my eyes and take another deep breath. I lift my foot to take a step and— WHAM! Suddenly, I am face down in the sand.

“I am so sorry,” a deep, apologetic voice says from above me. He is trying to help me up, but I am lying there in the sand. It’s soft and warm from the sun just as I suspected, and I stared up at the darkening sky soaking in the warmth “Miss. Are you okay?”

The guy was now blocking my view holding out a hand. I’m sure he was either afraid he hurt me, or afraid I would hurt him. I probably seem crazy right now. I take his hand, and tell him I’m fine. I don’t think he bought it, but he apologized again and goes on his way. I recognize him as one of the guys playing volleyball earlier, but they had left when I decided to venture into the beach. He probably forgot something.

I took off my sandals and turned towards the water. I felt silly walking in the sand and not just because I was barefoot holding my shoes. The sand is much thicker than I originally thought. It is more like walking through sugar.

I left my phone at my house, so I can’t check the time. I figure I have about 45 minutes of sunlight. All I had planned on doing today was walking through the sand, but now that I have basically swam in it, I have decided to brave the water. I will only stand on the shore and let the tide come up over my feet.

As I get closer to the shore, I realize the water is much louder than I thought. It’s not too loud, but it does make the ocean seem more intimidating. As I near the end of the dry sand, I start to lose my confidence, so I just sit in the sand far enough way so the water doesn’t touch me. I close my eyes and let the familiarity of the smells and sounds fill my mind, but now I savor the feeling of the sand as well. I dig my feet deep into the warm, soft sand as I let my hands glide through feeling every grain of sand.

I’m not sure how long I sat there calming myself down, but eventually I was ready to enter the water. I opened my eyes and stood up. I walked slowly onto the wet sand and waited for the tide to come back to me.

When the water slid over my feet and barely licked my ankles, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and chuckled. The water was smooth, but I could feel the sand stirring around my feet as they sunk into the ground. I got braver and took a few more steps in. I wanted to feel the water on my ankles then my knees. There was more power the deeper I went, and I was too afraid to go any further. I wasn’t wearing a swimsuit because I knew I wouldn’t have time, but I wish I was now. I wanted to sit in the water and have it hug me, but instead, I stood there with my feet sinking into the sand and my arms open low and by my sides. I closed my eyes and vowed I would come back to swim.

As I breathed in the salty air and soaked up the remaing sun, I couldn’t help but think of my mother. Why was she so afraid? Why had she kept this from me? I had no answers, but I was going to find out.

I opened my eyes to find the sun had disappeared behind the horizon, but the sky wasn’t completely dark yet. I took one more deep breath and turned to retrieve my sandals from the sand. I then walked back to my car with a warm feeling in my body and a small, content smile on my face.

Being in the ocean is definitely better than looking at the ocean.