It was years after she left when I realized I could’ve done more

said more

been there more

supported her more.

I remember the day she was born and nothing was the same

I remember her first steps

I remember that her first word was my name

“You’re her older sister,” my Momma said

“You’re her role model, and she looks to you for guidance

Because that’s what sisters are for.”

If that’s what sisters are for, then I am not a good sister.

Because I didn’t see that her happiness was fading

And the pink of her cheeks were replaced with dark shadows

I didn’t see that she wasn’t herself

I didn’t see the bad, bad choices

I didn’t care for anyone outside of myself

My little sister wasn’t herself, because I didn’t care enough

say enough

be enough

guide her enough

When she left me, I cried

When she left me, her last thoughts were monsters

When she left me, I failed as her guide

“My little sister!” I cried to anyone who’d listen

“She left me because I didn’t help her

and because I didn’t help her,

I created a monster.”

And a monster it was, for it took my little sister

The monster lived because I didn’t be her guide

Oh, the pain I lived in for the rest of my days!

Oh, the words left unsaid

Oh, the monster wasn’t stopped because of my ways!

There wasn’t much time until the monster turned to me

talked to me

held onto me

changed me

And just like before, I couldn’t bring myself to care

And just like before, I didn’t say anything

And just like before, I didn’t stop the monster

“You can take me,” I told it, “because it’s only fair.

You are the monster I created.

You are the monster that I didn’t see until it was too late

You are the monster that made her leave me.”

I don’t care anymore,

Just as I didn’t care before

I want the pain to be over

The pain of knowing that I created the monster that took my sister

Knowing that I didn’t guide her away from the monster

And then, nothing mattered anymore

Because the monster I didn’t stop

And the monster I created

Took my sister

I letting the monster take me because

This, the monster I created

Took my little sister.