“Leave. Now” She choked out. As soon as she said it she wished she could take it back. She knew it was for the best but those words triggered her anxiety, her. fight or flight and panic began coursing through her veins like it always did when she made him leave. She could feel the panic and anxiety welling up as she watched him angrily take the few steps towards the front door to leave. She knew a part of him expected her to rush in front of the door and take it all back like she always did, Afterall, wasn’t that their pattern? He cheats, she asks him about it, he lies, she goes through his phone, they argue, she kicks him out and as he leaves she panicks and begs him to stay. On days she was feeling particularly strong she might actually let him leave, but he knew she’d be blowing his phone up with texts and calls in a few hours. Her anxiety about being a single mother wouldn’t allow her to just simply leave, it urged her to plead for him back, to stand in front of the door and block him from leaving. Pathetic. thats how she felt caught up in this endless loop of gut wrenching pain and anger, pathetic and weak. This time would be different, HAD to be different, So as much as she wanted to run in front of that door and ‘fight for her relationship’ which is what she told herself she was doing when she did that, she didn’t, she watched him leave. He opened the door and stopped at the threshhold, turning to look at her. Their eyes connected and she saw the anger reflected in them but she also saw the sadness behind them too, the anger took over his body, his face in a scowl, but it never reached his eyes, his eyes remained sad, tears threatning to well up in them. “I’m sorry yo” He choked out, voice cracking. She looked away quickly, her resolve would break if she kept eye contact. “Yeah” was all she could get out. She didn’t look back until she heard the click and lock of the door. At that sound she allowed her emotions to overtake her, any strength she had was gone as she collpased in a heap on the living room floor. Curled up on her side, she bawled her eyes out, unable to stop the tears and not wanting to. The sobbing racked her whole body, her mind raced frantically and angrily _“Why? Why am I not enough? Why can’t he just STOP! What is wrong with me? I feel so weak, any other man I would have been able to just walk away no problem” _At last she did the only thing she knew how to do, she shifted to her knee’s and she prayed. She prayed to God to remove the feelings she felt for this man, to give her the strength to leave and stay gone, she prayed to stop loving him as a constant flow of tears streamed down her face and she doubled over from the pain in her body. All she could think about was her baby, thats what she needed right now. Getting up off the carpet she walked into their bedroom and for a second just looked at the beautiful baby laying asleep on the bed, his black curls framing his face, a little sweat making some of his curls stick to his face, his mouth slightly open in an “O’ shape as he took a random deep breath and let it out. Quietly she crawled onto the bed and snuggled up with him. burrowing her head in his little shoulder and gently throwing an arm around him as she inhaled his scent. Her eyes burned from crying and her head was pounding but she knew she needed to be strong, her baby needed her to be strong, he had already seen too much fighting, already asked her ‘mommy what’s wrong? Mommy Okay?” too many times. With resolve she didn’t even know she had in her, she knew she had to go, for good this time. She loved this man so passionately, so all encompassing for seven years but she had to let him go, and as she snuggled with her baby and drifted off into a fitful sleep, she knew she was going to finally be able to leave and rebuild her life.