STORY STARTER
A journalist writes a brave exposé on a corrupt politician, only to suffer the consequences of their nasty retaliation.
The Voters
After three days in the empty pool, with cold weather and lack of food and drink, Val turned his eyes to the thrum of an engine over the cement rim. A man dressed in a black long coat and smiley mask appeared next to the edge.
“Mr. Coover wants to talk with you.” The man threw down a rope ladder.
Val shuddered from the cold, but made it up the ladder. His limbs hurt and his lips were parched worse than his voice.
The man with the mask walked back to a limo, opened the door, and used his hand to point in. “My mother taught me to be polite. You first. You need it.”
As he entered the limo, he fell into the seat. His eyes watered from the warmth. After clearing them, he saw Coover across the cabin. A cane crusted with a jewel big enough to remind him of a song sung by Marilyn Monroe. “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”
“Oh, there you go with that mouth again. What was it last time?” Coover laughed.
The man with the smiley mask landed next to him.
Then Coover picked up a bottle of water and it to Val. “I remember now. You said the pen was mightier than the sword. The paper ran the story, and shortly after, ran a retraction after you we’re indisposed.”
Val grinned. “It doesn’t matter. I won.”
Smiley chimed in, “The poll numbers don’t seem to think so.”
Coover said, “Driver, Lava Avenue.” He hunched forward and looked at Val. “Smiley is right. No one paid mind to a single word. That’s how I know no one will pay mind to you at all. You were ballsie, but what did it get you?”
Val started on the water. After the bottle emptied, he dropped it. “Peace of mind. I’ll sleep better knowing I spoke the truth.”
“You know, when you first asked for an interview, I thought we were brothers of the same mind. How alike we are to brothers to torture each other, but I think you now know where the power lies.” Coover looked out the window.
Val wanted to say something like they’d never be brothers, but found himself speechless. The ride lasted an hour in silence, except for the occasional joke between Smiley and the driver.
Val stepped out into the busy sidewalk. Behind him, the car rolled away as he walked down to the apartment at the bottom of a set of concrete steps.
A hot shower and bowl of cereal later, he laid down to sleep. Being home, he thought he’d sleep, but the night seemed endless as he tossed until the wee hours of the morning with one thought rolling through his head. His sacrifices meant nothing.
So I’ll try to give some advice! Keep in mind that I’m not trying to be negative… but we are both cats here. There is always room for improvement. Hopefully something is useful here:
I like the concept and it’s a very literal take on the prompt. What I don’t like is how little information we get about what actually happens. All that happens is the car ride… this car ride should be the most important part of the story if that’s where you choose to start, but it seems like we walked into the final scene of a movie when we start reading here…
I have a lot of questions, which is good, but the story doesn’t seem like it can answer my questions… questions like:
“what did Val write about or find out that was so bad?”
“What did cooper do? Who is he? Also, what is he running for? Mayor? President? Prime minister?”
“What did they do to Val? Why didn’t he climb out of the pool? Did they beat him up? How did he live for 3 days without any water???”
You get the point. You build a lot of curiosity, and your characters seem interesting… but there isn’t much of the action we get to see. Like I wish you started the story when Val published his paper and took us with him on this journey! I want to know what happened, you know?
Anyway, your writing and grammar were fine. The characters had personality. All that was strange here is the choice to start the story after it happened. If this was the end of one arc and the beginning of another that could be interesting… but the story doesn’t seem like it’s continuing.
This would honestly make a cool villain story. Like you could make it about Coover winning the election, but from Val’s perspective. Seriously, tell us how it happens!
