Before I begin, I’d like to say I’m not ashamed in any way.

They deserved it, and it’s done wonders for the restaurant I’m a head chef in.

Allow me to explain.

About a month ago, my sister, my wonderful, wonderful sister, was kidnapped.

We were called by the kidnapper with a ransom of 3,000,000 dollars.

We didn’t have the money, so obviously, as a kidnapper would do, he sent us a video of him shooting her dead.

And in turn, as a big brother would do, I found his house and murdered him, turning him into fillet o kidnapper.

I’m not joking.

I brought it into work the next day and fed it to a critic; because who wouldn’t?

After all, as head chef, no one would question me!

The critic loved it, apparently, and I was asked again and again to make it.

Thankfully, there are a lot more kidnappers, and molesters, and just downright horrible people in this horrible excuse for a world.

And so I cooked.