The clock stopped… 74 minutes past 18… struggling to get up. Today was the only day this year that I didn’t want to get up. My mother's funeral is the last place I want to get ready. A teenage boy's worst nightmare. I wish this were all a dream, my mom waking me up and hugging me one last time. The news, the car crash. All a silly accident. Blaming myself for her not driving me to school this morning. Dad has been gone since I was born, I and my little sister are the only ones left in this ripped-apart family. We were standing outside tears gushing down my face, looking at a closed casket being lowered. The only emotions left in my life are tears, sadness, and devastation. I didn’t, couldn’t feel anything after that day my little red heart turned black no emotions. All I learned was that tears and crying only makes the situation worst so I vouched never to do it again. The fear of my little sister's life in my hands, me just a kid young for this new age of 18. I worked hard for what was on the table, the struggle with bills, school, books, and clothes. No family, just me and my little sister. The court trying to take her away from me, poor lily is just 4 years old and too young. She has been through enough losing me would be the end. Friends from school help once in a while even my crush, Gabriella. Gabriella is a friendly person to Lily they are great together. Gabriella and I were close and got along well. I didn’t have a big friend group just Gabriella, Ali, Celia, Charles, Joshua, Eric, then me. It's the next day and it has been rough, I had to make breakfast this morning, and it didn't go as planned. Mom used to always make breakfast. She also woke me up so I was late for school and Lily was late to the daycare center. Everyone is so worried about me and how I am coping with this situation. This is not to be rude but it isn’t any of their business. Lily and I love each other with all of our hearts, I couldn’t live without Lily she is my other half. School sucked as always, the only thing I enjoyed was picking up Lily after school. Once I had picked up Lily I proceed to drive over to moms newly covered grave. Oh, how I missed her smiles and laughter. Her little laughs and giggles would make anyone smile in a heartbeat. I told her about this morning and how I almost burnt the house. Lily told her about her day and how much she had missed her. Lily and I hugged and wiped each other's tears on one another. All of a sudden Lily started talking “ Jacob did you kill momma” I didn’t know what to say how did she know? I stared into Lily's red eyes from crying and told her “ Lily of course not she died in the hospital” which wasn’t all a lie. I just didn’t tell her what I was planning before her death. Mom was mentally abusive to everyone she knows. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was late, it wasn’t meant to happen the way it did, I had a plan. I had the timing and everything, it just didn’t go as planned. I wasn’t planning on her falling down the stairs. She died of internal bleeding, she hit the wall hard. But it wasn’t me, I planned to just get rid of her not for her, not to make her suffer. I didn’t want that, Lily is traumatized and it hasn’t been how I imagined it would. It's hard, she was hard to deal with but this is on a separate level. Nobody was used to her not being around. Everybody missed her, even if she was hard on people. I will miss her giggles the most just because it was special since she never really laughed she was always so serious. I, on the other hand, am a crazy 18-year-old boy who loves to joke and play sports. I wasn’t tall but I was pretty cute with my brown hair and brown eyes. I look identical to my mom which didn’t help me not miss her since I had to stare at myself every morning to get ready. Lily didn’t, she look just like our father. I blame myself for everything that happened, I haven’t gone to school in a couple of weeks. I wish I could take it all back, I never wanted her to leave this world. Lily has been staying with Gabriella since I just can’t do it, I am too tired to take care of her and love her the way that mom loved her but I can’t. I haven’t eaten in a week. Skinny oh I am very skinny. A little sickly skinny, everyone including myself is worried about me. I do not want to be this way but it is, and truly I can’t help it. They say losing a parent is one of the worst feelings and that is an understatement of what it's like. I finally got up this morning and drove to get Lily since it isn’t Gabriella’s responsibility to take care of her. I wish I was strong like Lily and could hold in how I feel but I am not strong enough. I have been through it all, not having a dad, my mom dying, finding out my grandma has cancer, and much, much more. Right now I feel like crap and look like it too. It's raining and it is cold, very cold. All I hear is the pitter-patter of the rain hitting the roof of the old house. Lily ate some cereal as I looked out of the window, all in my life of thought. Tears rolled down my face just like the rain falling on this earth. Sometimes rain can be beautiful other times it’s just an open door to sadness and depression. My mom always said “ Rain is so beautiful yet sweet, rain is also tears and sadness” all I could think was the ambulance, hospital, tears, and hugs. A waterfall of tears poured down. But not for long, I quickly wiped them away when I felt a small little tap on my shoulder. It was Lily she was done with her cereal and was ready for daycare. I wish I could just wake up the next morning and find out this whole thing was just a dream and that mom would be sitting on the counter with Lily eating breakfast. But no, this is all very real and heartbreaking. All I wanted in life was for my mom to be waiting in the car to pick me up for school. It wasn’t easy nothing ever is for me. Life just life is not easy, we all wish it was including me but life isn’t and it never will be me. Life is a never-ending roller coaster with disappointments being thrown at you. Days are long and always have a changeable mood to them, happy then all of a sudden crying myself to sleep. The only thing that doesn’t happen to me is the happy part, only sad, miserable, and blaming myself for this situation. Nothing hurts me more than just my thoughts, if only she was here to hug me and tell me how proud she is of me, except she never said that when she was here. Paralyzed is how I feel these days. Numb I feel nothing, all I feel is when a tear rolling down my face. Distance, distance is what is between me and my friends. Invisible is how I feel, will it ever get better? Questions, that's all I do and think. Why did she have to leave? Past vs future back and forth love and hate. Past will always win with me, hate is who I am and all I see. Poetry is my new hobby, It helps me get my emotions out instead of crying. I signed up for a grieving class. My first day is tomorrow. I wrote a poem to express how I feel these days. ‘’Sadness oh sadness When will you go The river I have cried Can sail a boat Maybe two or three Maybe four or five You shall never know The river I have cried Will forever be unknown Never shall I tell a single soul About the sadness and my feelings It might be tears of joy I guess we will never know About the river That sailed my boat “ Chapter Two They say everything happens for a reason. But thinking about this just makes it harder on me. I wish I could have one more night, just to make things right. Just so I can change my mind. So I don’t end up right where I am standing. Leaning against the wall at the end of the stairs crying and hoping you would come back knocking at the front door and hug me so tight. This situation hit everyone so hard but they're good at hiding.