“BURN IT DOWN!” They shouted. It was hard to tell whether it was real or just a repeating mantra in my head. The rock music continued blaring the loud chorus of the shredding of a guitar, people blithely moving to the music. The rational part of my brain understood it would be better if I escaped early. Before the cops came. But the irrational side of my brain was rooting to participate in the riot. Yes, I was a troublemaker, but that was Old Ellis, New Ellis would not accept that. I followed what my therapist told me to do, recount from ten and if I still believe I should do something reckless just walk away. 10, 9, 8, 7. Breathe out. Yep, the music was lulling me forward, urging me on. 6, 5, 4. Instead of walking away, I moved forwards, my foot steps inaudible for they were drowned out by the continuous scream of loud noises. 3, 2, 1. This time I ran.

No, no. I shouldn’t be doing this. These little thoughts were impotent, extremely insignificant, forever inadequate, to what i was really listening to. The screaming in my head, saying; go, go, goooooo. I got pushed and shoved as I made it to the heart of the crowd. Impossibly the scene grew louder. People yelled and drinks spilled in a crazed haste. I got pushed further and further away from were I wanted to be. I was being pushed out of the venue. My head throbbed and the familiar sting of alcohol burned on my tongue.

The cold air was like its own medicine. I hurried away. The roar of the crowd dimmed until it was suddenly silent. Living on the promenade was beautiful. Just a walk away from some house and your right on the beach. And before I realise my legs are moving in a certain direction, I find I’m at the beach. The sound of crashing waves filled the air, but not like the loud disturbing buzz of the party, more like a soothing lullaby playing in the background.

I was jealous of the waves. Why did they get so many redos and I didn’t. As soon as they draw up to the surface of the beach they’d immediately return back to the sea where they can repeat this endless custom, yet I make eternal mistakes and all I get are repercussions and an add on of more chores.

For some reason though this tranquil oasis left my burning hatred towards the ocean lessen until it was a quietened murmur in the background.