Raven spent the quiet afternoon in his apartment lunging on the couch trying not to over think like what he always did.

“It’s been five years he moved on”

    “ but I miss him” 

“You don’t know if he loves you still” Raven tried reasoning with himself

“Don’t do it it won’t help” he told himself as he opened pictures of him and Crow they looked so happy

The first picture was on their first date Raven wore heavy eye shadow Crow held him close in the picture. Raven inwardly cringed at the eyeshadow thank god he got out of that phase but each picture brought heart ache he relived each picture the memories played on of the good times lost.

“Maybe if I text him?”

“He probably moved on he’s out west”

Raven said again he got off the couch and padded to the kitchen bustling around but everywhere he looked the memories followed crow loved to cook and show Raven things

Raven opened the fridge his appetite fading

He looked down and saw the grey baggy hoodie he wore it was crows his favorite band plastered on the front “citizen soldier”

Raven tried distracting himself by painting his brush gliding across the canvas the blues and purples blended together by the time he was done he blinked away the tears and put a tarp over the painting he did of him and crow

He scrolled through his phone looked at all the blocked numbers 106 messages from mother “3 from his little sister and non from his friends

Though he willed against it he read through his conversations with crow the plans and dreams - now shattered the last message was from crow

  Jan  4th     2021.    11:35 pm

“Hey babe happy anniversary, Don’t stay up for me I’m not coming home- I think we should break up it’s not you it’s me. I was never really gay I was just doing it for the thrill keep the hoodie.”

Raven went into the bathroom and looked at his tear streaked face though he lived alone old habits died hard he hugged himself and cried his thoughts willing himself to be better yet comforting entertaining the thought of crow hugging him to feel those strong arms around him thinking of the good times that seem faded

Few weeks later

Raven went to the bar to treat himself for his birthday the booming music played loud as patrons danced and swayed to the music heavy alcohol filled the air Raven sat down in a booth ordered a well done steak and some wine he glanced at the happy couples and forced himself not to think about crow then out of a glimpse of his eye he saw crows talk frame across the room

Ravens heart fluttered he wanted nothing more to embrace him and get out of this hellish nightmare but also wanted to lash out at him for breaking it off then almost as if a switch he forced himself to look away he started scratching his wrist the hoodie he wore felt suffocating.

Then he noticed crow had a boy with him he was beautiful. And it made ravens heart ache crow was good with lies but it hurt when he was the victim he finished his food then left but not before seeing them kiss his spirit shattered tears pricked his eyes he ran out to the cold parking lot the air hitting him like a bucket of ice water he got into his car and cried As he drove home their favorite song played Raven couldn’t hand the pain he missed his love but didn’t want his heart broke again “would things ever change?” He thought to himself but he knew one thing was certain he would never love someone that much again