To all those who receive it

It appears I am finally done with this place, and will be leaving it immediately. It’s been a fine time here, although it’s had its ups and downs, and I would like to thank each and every one of you for participating in it, or in some cases for not. As such, you are hereby invited to my first and likely last farewell party. It will be hosted in the old pre-war three-story apartment on the edge of town, and if you don’t know where to find that just go to the edge of town and find the old pre-war three-story apartment. You’ll find it.

It is critical to the proceeding, which will include a dinner and dancing, that all present bring an appropriate gift, for myself another partygoer. To ensure all the proper gifts are brought, please find the most fitting category below and bring the listed gift(s):

Assorted road acquaintances: a piece of paper with another road-friend of your’s signature.

Those to whom I ever was or came close to being engaged to: a metallic ring, of less than 11.48 Panamanian Balbos.

Long-lost friends who I just lost touch with: two pocket-sized bottles of alcoholic beverages.

Long-lost friends I swore oaths of violent revenge against: two pocket-sized firearms, loaded and prepped to fire.

Current friends: nothing. Your friendship is enough.

Current friends I swore violent oaths of revenge against: nothing. Don’t plan on leaving quickly.

The families of deceased persons erroneously sent invitations: a cubic inch of corpse matter, each.

Strangers that received inviting by mistake: a cyan coat, with all sleeves intact.

My dear family members: an article of clothing, of any sort.

Soldiers who occupied my hometown during the war: some sort of war loot. No hard feelings.

Childhood/business acquaintances surprised I remembered them: 7% of your liquid resources.

Ms. Anita from six grade math: one of your old floor pillows from the classroom, if you still have them.

Anyone else: a small amount of money and something of sentimental value to you. The value of the latter will be used to judge how much you cared, and the former will be assessed with a complex algorithm to determine how wealthy you are.

Sincerely, for the last time,

Val