The realization hit her as she walked towards the gate for her flight back home.

The entire time on her 5-day trip she tried to push it out of her mind.

She was determined to have a good time. 

It wasn’t the time or place to dwell on things. She felt if she thought about the ways things were she would have a breakdown and not be able to recover.

It wasn’t easy though. In the middle of doing something, hiking down Machi Picchu memories came flooding back. She gasped and stopped to take a break. 

Others in her group thought it was the altitude.

The tour guide walked up to her and asked, with his hand on her back, “are you ok? Do you need a break?”

“I’m ok” she said. Sucking in the tears that were about to overwhelm her.

“I’m fine. I don’t need a break” she reassures him.

He looks at her like he’s not convinced but takes her at her word.

The hike continues. 

Some members of the group didn’t stop and now the group was split in two. 

“ we need to quicken our pace a bit to catch up to the others” the tour guide said.

“Ok” Jane replies.

This was not the first time the grief had overwhelmed her inappropriately. 

It showed up as physical symptoms. 

Like the sudden stomach ache she felt on the second day of the trip when they were at a marketplace in Cusco. 

She had to leave, afraid her entire guts would be emptied there and then. 

She couldn’t run for fear she would keep running and never stop. 

Now here she was at the airport in Lima. Alone because the trip was over. The group she traveled with had disbursed. 

And suddenly the realization hits her. Their relationship was over. 

The weight of this realization is soul crushing. It’s like a boulder pressed firmly on her chest. She can’t breathe. 

She’s in the women’s bathroom now, hiding in one of the stalls. It gives her a sense of privacy to let some of it out.

Her intention is to cry softly but the sounds coming out of her mouth are not soft. 

They are guttural. Deep. Dark. From the depths of her very core. 

It is over. She knows it now and she cannot go back home knowing this. 

The thought is both sad and paralyzing. She cannot stay in Peru. She must go home and face this truth. 

But she feels like she doesn’t have the strength to face this. 

She wants to run away. Pretend that part of her life doesn’t exist. But she must go back and face it. Deal with the aftermath of this epic fiasco. 

Her phone starts ringing, notifying her that the 30 minutes timer she set is up. Thirty minutes she gave herself to cry her tears in Peru.