The off white pillar candle stays upright as the burning wick flickers violently threatened by the wind. It has been three years since this part of the subway got condemned and as the years have passed the place becomes more fragile. The whole back end of the cart is completely missing, the cracks in the overhead concrete allow the rain to pass down from above solemnly hitting the tin roof. Have you ever heard the rain hitting a tin roof? Firstly it’s just noise, then it becomes much more, it becomes music. It takes you away to places your mind wants to visit, away from the cold and loneliness. I’ve discovered rain brings me happiness and memories, so I don’t mind the echos of water dropping around me.

Looking around here it’s hard not to sigh, I’ve given up reading the graffiti lined walls or caring how brittle my surrounds are, I don’t see the broken glass windows or decaying fabric seats all I see is the last day I saw her.

Her red painted nails were visible as she grasped my hand in hers, dragging me down the subway stairs laughing at me every time she looked over her shoulders.God, I loved when she smiled. The way her lips lifted upwards at the corners displaying these tiny dimples made my heart skip a beat every damn time. The fact she hated those dimples, her long brunette hair or even how tall she was just made her even more beautiful in my eyes. We scrambled through the doors just as they were closing and i sat on the nearest seat pulling her onto my lap before grilling her about where she was taking me. I have always hated surprises, well since I was six and my mother ordered a clown instead of a magician for my birthday.Maybe a clown doesn’t sound scary but a few nights before I’d watched the film IT and i was scarred for life. So yes, surprises never sit well with me.The last thing I remember is staring at her as she giggled and hid her face in an attempt to not give any details about the day she had planned away. My focus was always on her. Always. Anyone could have walked into the cart and my eyes would have still been fixated on her. That’s why I didn’t notice the man entering our cart. That’s why I didn’t notice him stand up and detonate a home made bomb he had strapped to his body. Fucking coward!

We both died that day, yet I’m the one still here. Believe me if I could change that I would, I’d die a thousand deaths so she could live. I sit on the cold damp floor and cry. I’m not afraid of anyone seeing me cry, there’s no bravado with me I just feel like being here she sees me, she hears me. When Leo’s ears pin up- i know she’s here.“I’m sorry”I whisper.