What in the ever living hell?

I race through the house and up the stairs until I reach Alex’s room. I can feel my heart pounding against my chest. I throw open the door and walk in. Out of the corner of my eye I see her jump as she turns to look at me. I don’t say anything as I turn around and close the door.

I’m shaking. I close my eyes and press my head against the door. I try to take slow deep breaths to calm myself down. I only manage one before I open my eyes again and stare at the ceiling. I hate deep breathing.

“Umm… is everything okay?” Alex asks me.

“No.” I respond. My entire body feels shaky.

“Okay, did you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay.” I hear the rustling of papers. I look over to her, Alex has gone back to whatever she was doing before I came in here.

I avert my eyes from her and look around the room, but there’s nothing in here that’s interesting enough to hold my attention longer than a few seconds. I can feel myself starting to spiral again.

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Alex asks again.

She hasn’t lifted her head from the papers in her lap, still, I shake my head and push myself off the door. I pace around the room in an effort to dispel my anxious energy. I don’t think it’s working, all I feel is ridiculous.

“If your not careful, you’re going to wear a hole through my rug.” I can hear the smug smirk in her voice.

I look over and give her a tight lipped smile that she doesn’t see, she still hasn’t looked up from her papers; which is fine by me because I still don’t want to talk about it.

My pacing grows faster, I can feel the rug start to bunch up underneath me. Worried that I’ll trip and fall, I slow down and try to smooth out the rug as best I can. My concern over tripping has quieted down the anxiety that was screaming through my nerves. I feel calmer now.

“I think I… like… him…” My gaze is trained on the ground. Sweat tickles my palms. I rub them against my jeans, it doesn’t do much good. I shake them out at my sides. Maybe that will work better.

“Who? Justin?”

My heart starts beating faster. I press my lips together. I can only nod my head. I hear the rustling of papers. I glance over, Alex has not taken her eyes off the papers in front of her.

“I’m sorry, is this boring to you?” I can feel a spark of irritation in my chest.

Alex looks up. “No! No, it’s not that. It’s just…”

“Just?”

“I already knew…”

“What do you mean you already knew?”

“I mean… the glances, the way you light up whenever someone talks about him, whenever he walks into a room… it wasn’t hard to figure out.”

I scoff and begin pacing again.

“Well is it really so terrible? So I caught on? So what! It’s not like it was a secret!” The fight drains from Alex’s muscles. “Was it?”

I stop and turn to look at her. “You mean it’s obvious!”

Alex shrugs. “I mean… it was to me?”

“Agh!” I begin pacing again. My limbs are shaking and I feel as if I am going to crumble into a pile on the floor any minute.

Alex sighs. “Would you stop acting like this is the end of the world! It’s not like you’re embarrassed about it, are you?”

“No.” I stop pacing and look over at her. “No, no I’m not embarrassed.” I let out a breath. “I just—“ I stare at the corner of the room just behind where Alex is. “It’s just kind of… inconvenient, you know?”

“Inconvenient?” Alex looks back at me with a furrowed brow. She shakes her head, “How so?”

“Like— you know, just the whole feelings thing.” Alex stares at me blankly. “In general.”

“Okay…” I can hear the skepticism in her voice. “And why would you say that?”

I scoff. Why would say that, she asks. “Oh I don’t know. Maybe because it’s the most annoying thing in the entire world!”

Alex raises her eyebrows. “Annoying?”

“Yeah. Annoying.” I start to pace again. I have never felt so restless in my entire life. “I think about him all the time. I miss him, even when we’re in the same room. It’s just— ugh! It’s just so unbelievable! It hurts! It actually physically hurts! How is that even a thing?” A weak laugh escapes me. “I don’t even like being touched and yet I have never wanted to kiss someone so bad in my entire life! What kind of bullshit—

“Ugh!” I take a deep breath and let it out in a huff. “Feelings are the worst and I hate them.” I make my way to the door as quickly as I can. I yank it open and let it slam close behind me as I make my way back down the hallway.