Reflection is an odd thing. You cannot look back when reflecting, not with your eyes, you have to feel and come back to be grounded with yourself. The aspirations you had then are now no more. It seems as though everything and nothing have changed at the same time, leaving you feeling unaccomplished and stuck. The truth is you accept these things because it’s okay to be content right where you are. There is nothing wrong with changing your plans or changing your motives. Honestly, if they always had to stay the same no one would have any life experience. I feel like I need to remind myself of these things constantly.

Did I see myself here almost 3 years ago?

No.

Am I happy where I am?

Yes and No.

There is nothing wrong with that. Some days I feel like I want to get married and fill a cabin full of kiddos and live off the land and be one with nature and the universe. Other days I wish I would have been reckless and spent my money on a one-way ticket to the east coast and tried their slice of life. Most of the days I just want to run. Away from who I was and who I am. The choices that I’ve made and the ones that are still flying around my brain like a bingo cage.

Stay?

Go?

Marry?

Quit my job?

Three years ago I was a homeless barista chilling my friend Anna. Now I am a stepmother and breadwinner. I wear pants... I let myself think that I wear the pants because I let my partner gaslight and manipulate me and it's how I justify his power struggles.

I feel that is how you accurately reflect on a situation, most social media or TV shows will show you having this orgasmic epiphany. That’s not real, sad but so very true. You just look back and see how fucked up it was, and you just let it happen. I’m torn because everyone wants it like grandma and grandpa used to have it...

Well, lets keep it clear.

The only reason Grammy and Grampy worked out is because Grammy didn’t have any money to leave. Most of the time women weren’t given the same rights so they simply couldn’t. Women were beaten a lot more than as well. When I look back on that I think that a lot of women take the freedom of being able to walk out for granted.

Back to reflection. Look back, feel back. Allow your brain to come back and feel the pain and the joy. Take every moment in, just remember that this is not forever and you are young. Do the crazy thing. Quit the terrible fucking job. Change everything. Or nothing! That’s the beauty of reflection. When you look back you can see all the hurt and become depressed by it. By chance, you could also reflect and say the two magic words... “Fuck It” and be inspired by what you haven’t been doing and use that as your fuel to move forward.

In the end, that’s all that you can do.