Dr. Oliver’s mouth is moving but I can’t hear a word he’s saying. Each time I blink, the world fades a little more from view until there’s nothing at all. Everything is happening and I can’t press pause.

“Roman, have you tried meditation?” Dr. Oliver asks. I’m brought back to reality, my vision restored.

“No.” The sound of my own voice annoys me. I repeat what I said in my head. No. No. No. No.

“I think you would benefit from it. You mention that you want an escape… even if it not permanent, you just want to escape. While meditation can help with that, it’ll also force you to confront your emotions.”

“I don’t want to confront them.”

He laughs. “Yes, and that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? Just give it a try. I have a friend who hosts a group of people—“

“A group of people? Like, it won’t just be me?”

“No, you won’t be alone. I have his card..” He rummages through his pocket and hands me a folded card. “feel free to just pop in.”

I take a deep breath. “Okay…”

-

The door to the meditation studio opens and I’m hesitant to walk inside but someone holds the door for me. “I didn’t ask you to.” I whisper on my way in.

“You’re welcome.” They reply.

I stand and watch as everyone takes a seat on the mats laid on the floor. There’s only one left when I finally sit down.

“I appreciate you all for coming. Most of you…” The instructor’s words fade and everything sounds like static. With each blink, I disappear further… and further…

“Breathe in.. breathe out.. find your inner stillness.”

I take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. I can hear everyone else breathing as well.

“Let go of the past and look no further than the present. With each exhale, you are releasing those built up emotions.. the words you never said.”

There’s a sudden increase in my heartbeat. I take a few more breaths but it doesn’t slow.

“I know that some of you need to hear it so here I am telling you that everything will be okay.”

I open my eyes and look back at the door. I think about leaving but my body won’t let me.. the inhales and exhales don’t work. Nothing steadies my heartbeat. Everything is out of my control.

“Breathe in…” The instructor says.

I breathe in.

“Breath out…”

I breath out. The world is blurring again but not because of my brain attempting to get rid of everything, because of tears…

“Even on the cloudiest of days… the sun is still shining.”

I can’t take it anymore. Tears stream down my cheeks and I choke on air. I can’t breath.. everything is happening too fast. Snot is dripping from my nose and I can’t tell what is tears or snot.

“Let your breath be your guide and you’ll always find your way back home.”

I remember what Dr. Oliver said about confronting my emotions but I never told him I wasn’t ready. I can’t. I can’t.

“Sometimes being is just enough. Let yourself just be.”

The world fades into static again. I breathe in and out. My heartbeat slows… my breathing is normal again. I am doing okay.

“You are doing okay.” The instructor says. “You are doing the best you can and that is enough.”