Dear T,

I only became friends with you this year, but dang- you destroyed me. You didn’t mean to. I know you didn’t. You still act like my friend, and that’s far worse than the ghosting you’ve been doing just the same. This year, I’ve questioned my friendship with you a multitude of times; it’s not even funny. And yet, I always manage to walk over to you, try to talk to you- even though you shut it all down.

I’m probably a worse friend to you than you will ever be to me. But I’m tired- I’m always tired. Now it’s different.

Sincerely,

A.

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Dear C,

You’ve been one of my best friends. The only problem is sometimes you act like it- other times you don’t. I just have to live with that, apparently, but I can’t. I want to call you my best friend. I do. But how can I, when you and T and (the other) A are a group of three, without me? There was four of us! You talk to me, you make an effort… yet I always end up being the girl behind all of you on the sidewalk. Sometimes I wish you guys would actually ditch me.

It’d make this so much easier. Because I know you care, and I wish you didn’t. This friendship is wrecking me- you don’t even know it, you don’t mean it to- but I will never truly recover.

Sincerely,

A.

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Dear K,

I miss you like I miss 2nd grade, like I miss childhood, like I miss the lack of near depression. We’re only 2 miles apart, and yet… we’re in different districts. We don’t see each other every day, or even every week. Once a month, at most, probably. I miss you. We still text- not as often as I’d like, but I’m a dry as heck texter. I wish we still went to the same school, because you’re my best friend. You haven’t left me or been hot and cold with me. Everyone else has- heck, you’re like my only friend. T and C may care about me, but they don’t want to be my friends anymore. It’s obvious. I want to go back. K, I miss you and the old school more than I miss my books when I forget them at home. That’s saying something and you know it.

I’m really tired, K, and it’s not my medicine or workouts or lack of sleep. I don’t actually know what it is, but I know it’s gonna get worse.

I wish I was still in the seat next to you.

Sincerely,

A.

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Dear B,

You’re older, but you’re my only other friend besides K. I can’t tell you how our not-conversations have helped me so much. I don’t have much to say because you’ve never hurt me, but… thank you, B.

Sincerely,

A.

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Dear N,

I don’t talk to you. I know your sister better than I know you, but I’d like to know you. I want to be your friend. I’ve never had such a bad (in the sense of so strong) crush on anyone— except you. And gosh, please don’t take that the wrong way. It’s a romantic crush, yes, but I want to be your friend. I don’t intend to become your girlfriend, but I want to be your friend. That’s it. I want to talk to you and learn things about you. But, I can’t talk to you. I’m too goofy- messed up. I’m always weak as heck around you, and even though I’m strong most of the time- you never seem to see me at my best. I’ve been so tired recently. I can’t do my best anymore, and I need someone to help me be my best. Every day I go to athletics, and I’m thinking, “maybe today someone will care.” But they all smile at me, like they pity me. It’s not like they know, right? Do you know? Even though they smile, they don’t do anything. In fact, they don’t try to reach out or ask me if I’m okay. Not like I would answer, but it’s the thought that counts.

I’m sorry to rant to a piece of paper that will never write back, but at this point, I have to.

Sincerely,

A.

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Dear C,

You remember our last conversation? We talked about how bad relationships, even platonic, can lead to mental health issues in a snap.

All I can tell you now is,

it’s the truest thing I’ve ever said,

and I’m living proof.

Sincerely,

A.