You don’t understand when I whisper, I know my words are a mess. They aren’t coming out the way I want them to. They don’t mean what I do. And I don’t know how to fix it.

I reach for your face and you let me hold you, even though everything in you is screaming at you to run away. Because I fucked up. I really, really fucked up. There will never be enough words to tell you how sorry I am.

I know how this pain feels. I know how it feels like anything-even dying-would be better than living for another second. I know how it feels. And I didn’t listen when you cried.

I don’t know why. I didn’t really want to be around anyone. But ‘anyone’ shouldn’t have included you, because you are special, so much more to me. Your pain is my pain. I should have felt your pain.

I hold you tight and you cry, silently, into my shoulder. You don’t seem to have any words either. Was I the one to steal them away?

It’s like when the light dies it takes words with them, to wherever good and beautiful things go when they die. The light should be the only thing behind words, and when it’s not, I’m quiet.

There’s no words. My chest hurts too much to try and force words to come to my mouth. Because that is exhausting. You don’t try to make words either. You just sit. And you hold me so hard I can’t fill my lungs all the way. And you cry so hard I feel your tears on my shoulder. I hold you back, but I’m afraid to squeeze as hard as I can. I cry too, because your in pain and someone with a golden heart doesn’t deserve to feel pain. I could have spared you so much of this, if I had just say down and listened to what you had to say.

You let out a little laugh because we’re sitting here on the floor and we actually have to be at your sister’s for dinner. You look into my eyes, and you know I’m going to hold on forever if you need me to hold on for an extra long time. You smile because you know I know I fucked up, and you know I know what I could have done better.

I pull you closer and kiss you, and it says ‘I will love you louder. I will listen when you open your mouth. I promise to be better because I want you to stay. You are the most amazing person in the universe. You are the one thing making life beautiful. You are my moon’.

I press tighter to you to seal the promise and to make sure you know I made the promise because if I lose you I will be broken forever. You are always most important.

If you lose me, you will still feel numb, only you won’t have anyone to make you smile or laugh or cry. I won’t lost. I will kick death in the face if it means I can stay with you. I love you. I live you. I cry you. You are all the good things wrapped up into one.

I want to heal you when you cry with pain. It matters when you’re hurting, because you don’t see all the light around you. I want to show you the light. And words aren’t always necessary. I know you. Words won’t always mean what I do. But you know me too.

So let’s go look at the light.