A last date, disguised…
She dolled up. He dressed her down.
An ant, under skies…
Broccoli ‘tween teeth,
He wrestles with her conscience.
And strong-arms her gaze.
Ants at the table…
Under heel, he’ll never be.
Under thumb, she’ll sink.
A breeze flaunts itself,
Air binds the frosty couple
Shrouded by the bill.
This is so good! 🐜
I love this pome!!
Lovely piece, Fragglet!
A few stand-out lines for me:
“He dressed her down.” - I love an economical phrase; it introduces both a power dynamic and condescension.
“And ‘strong-arm’s her gaze.” - Again, cracking verb choice here. I think you can remove the quotation marks unless this was intentional?
Well-formed last stanza - love the climatic theme tying these lines and this idea of freedom vs constraint.
And the ants have marched their way into this one 🐜 🐜 🐜😁
I love it. I love the rawness.... The brutishness. I have seen couples like this, who have been out together, she's dressed up for the occasion, as it's one of the few she gets out on; he can't be bothered. They don't talk all evening. Neither see each other anymore, and she just does what he says, she knows he pays the bills, so she stays in the stale marriage, and he keeps her there as it's cheaper than divorce, and he likes the power. I've seen many couples of a certain age like that. Powerful work 👏👏👏
This poem has a strong premise: it speaks to the power dynamics of a relationship and captures an eery mood effectively. The imagery of an ant in the first two lines sets up a sense of smallness and insignificance that is an important part of the theme.
The poem could be improved with more language variety within each line. For example, consider replacing 'dolled up' with a more vivid phrase, such as 'dressed in finery'. Similarly, 'strong-arm's her gaze' could be replaced with something more poetic, like 'captures her glance'. Additionally, consider varying up the sentence structure and punctuation to create more dynamic movement in the poem.
Overall, this poem has strong potential. It conveys its message simply and effectively, with plenty of room to build upon. With some language improvements, this poem will be a powerful reflection of feeling invisible.
