STORY STARTER
Write a story which takes place near a volcano.
Try to be descriptive with the setting, whether the volcano plays a part in the plot or not.
STORY STARTER
Write a story which takes place near a volcano.
Try to be descriptive with the setting, whether the volcano plays a part in the plot or not.
Well, that escalated quickly 😂
I love using the volcano as a metaphor for Jess’s rising anger. I’d recommend going all in on that. There’s a lot of fertile ground there for a story.
Notes-n-Opinions:
Formatting-wise, I’d recommend adding spaces between paragraphs. Most folks read these on mobile; it helps to keep track of who is speaking, etc. You also might think about separating POVs into their own paragraphs. Example, “Jess stared inside the glowing cavern…” is from Jess’s POV. Then there is a shift to “Martin stared at her…”
Repeating “stared” is good wordplay, but I’d recommend emphasizing it a bit, as a nod to the reader. “Jess stared inside the glowing cavern, mouth agape; Martin stared at her, [a] mysterious[,] subtle glow bouncing off her dirty face.”
You can eliminate the things like “Martin thought” if the POV is already Martin’s. This will make it read a little smoother. “… her dirty face. How did she get dirty so quickly? They hadn’t been on the island long.” Something like that.
I love that Jess is gesturing in a ‘snappy’ way. It adds a lot of character to her. I’d lose the word “almost” though. Let her own her over-exaggeration lol.
“The look in her eyes were wide and angry” is sort of confusing. Maybe “Her eyes widened with anger.”
I love the simile comparing the cavern to sitting in front of a camp fire. Maybe take out “you’re” and make it a memory specific to him. “Martin could feel the heat envelope his face. It reminded him of when his father would add one-too-many logs to the campfire” or something, something. It’s an opportunity to sprinkle in a bit more about him, where he came from, his life experiences that led up to this.
Again, Jess and the volcano being connected through the threat of either of them “blowing up” being bad for Martin is a great touch. I’d make this the centerpiece of the story. The only thing I’d change is to not *tell* that she has a short fuse, but *show* it. Maybe throw in a bit of history between them by adding things like, “Why do you always overreact” or “Don’t freak out again!” or whatever.
The foreshadowing is subtle. Martin has a premonition, but it gets lost. Maybe use the “Rule of 3s” and reference it one more time before it comes to fruition, to make sure the reader gets what’s happening.
There are a few areas where you repeat the name when a pronoun might flow better. “…Martin waited. Martin felt…” could be “…Martin waited. He felt…” for example.
I’d avoid things like “started moving” and just go with “moved.” “…began to walk after her” could just be “followed her.”
Couple places that need a comma to separate clauses. Example: “…down the mountainside[,] away from the…”
“…bringing her into the bludgeoning roll…” is great. Love that!
You can drop “in her” after “pain and anger well up.” The next sentence has a “yell welling up” which feels redundant. I’d choose one or the other.
“…single[,] hateful wish…”
“…tearing out of her throat” is a great visual!
“…engulfed in a sea of fire, death, and rage” is also great.
Oof. That ending lol. I love the quick change! I think it is important enough that you should separate it into its own paragraph; Let it own the space, like a punchline to a joke that relies on
Timing.
Overall, fun read! Nice work! Hope the notes are helpful.