I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I had to figure it out… I had made it this far. I had endured months of planning, I had rendered a million opinions, I had smiled and laughed and was there at every turn. I mean, that’s what a maid of honor is for, isn’t it?

My best friend Kelly is getting married today and I should be full of joy, but instead my heart is breaking. I’m standing here in my emerald green satin bridesmaids dress and uncomfortable shoes watching my best friend get ready for her big day. I’m not thinking about how special this day is, how lucky she is, or how happy she’ll be. I’m only thinking about myself and how miserable I feel keeping this secret. I’ve been keeping it for over a year, ever since she met Jake.

Jake is basically perfect. He’s got an all American look about him, with his sandy blonde hair and blue eyes. He’s tall and athletic and has the muscles to prove it. He’s smart, like graduated Summa Cum Laude from Columbia smart, and funny. His family has a lot of money, but they don’t act like it. He’s friendly, kind, and volunteers at a food pantry. His laugh is infectious, his smile is genuine, and he gives the best hugs. Like I said, he’s perfect.

I should know, Jake and I met a couple of months before I introduced him to Kelly. Yes, I am the reason these two are getting married today. If only I’d kept my big mouth shut about how great he was, maybe I wouldn’t be in this predicament. To be honest, he didn’t come up in conversation right away, but then his name dropped a few times and Kelly asked, “Who’s Jake?”

I told her that Jake and I had met at a Journalism lecture at the Forum. I had scrambled in at the last possible minute and slid into the seat next to him as quietly as I could. I then proceeded to drop my metal water bottle on the floor with a deafening clang. I guess the whole of the Forum turning in unison to look at us and the equally mortified looks on both our faces must have formed some kind of immediate bond between us. We went for coffee after the lecture to laugh about it and became fast friends.

“When do I get to meet him?” She had asked with a twinkle in her eye after hearing our meet cute.

“Oh please,” I said, rolling my eyes, “we’re just friends. You can meet him whenever you want.”

Ugh, I wish I had said something different. That very weekend, Jake met us at a bar and that was that. They hit it off immediately and the rest is history. And now here I am watching my best friend get into her wedding dress and feeling nauseous. I just keep wondering if I should tell her.

“Kate, are you ok?” Kelly’s question startles me out of my thoughts. She’s looking right at me with a look of concern on her face.

“Oh, yeah, I’m ok, I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m forgetting something. It’s making me a little sick to my stomach.” I reply quickly, hoping it covers for both my silence and the horrible look on my face.

Her face changes from a look of concern to one of sadness as she rustles closer to me. “I’m feeling a little sick to my stomach too,” she confides to me under her breath.

I’m studying her face now, using our ten years of friendship to try and see what it is she isn’t saying. I reach for her hand and quietly ask, “What is it Kel, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know, it’s probably just cold feet,” she trails off as she looks down at our clasped hands. I don’t say anything and just wait until she looks up. Her eyes are brimming with tears when she does.

“Oh no,” I say, reaching for the box of tissues and grabbing one. I hand it to her and watch as she folds it and dabs at her eyes, trying to catch the tears and preserve the makeup that’s already been done. “Did something happen?”

“No, no, of course not. Jake is perfect. You know that,” she says through the tissue. “I just, I don’t know, I guess maybe I’m panicking a little about the forever part.”

**I’m trying to say the thing I think she needs to hear, but my thoughts are racing and I feel like I’m grasping. “**But the forever is the best part, isn’t it? The whole, ‘getting to spend forever with your favorite person in the world’ is the best part” I finally manage to say.

“You’re my favorite person in the world, Kate. Maybe we should get married instead.” She says with a laugh and a smile.

“Ok.” I reply, a bit too quickly.

“Oh stop, I’m just being dramatic and you’re just being a good friend. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m just nervous.”

“No really Kel,” I’m panicking now and trying to quickly think of what to say. I’m fumbling terribly trying to recover and take this opportunity she’s handed me. She’s still smiling and laughing lightly as she starts to turn away, but I tighten my grip on her hand, forcing her to turn back to me. As she looks into my eyes, I can see her expression has gone from amused to confused.

“I know it’s crazy. It’s crazy to say this to you right now, on this day, in this room, but I want to say it. I have to say it.” I pause for a moment and consider the weight of this moment and what I’m about to say. I know it will change everything and that scares the shit out of me. My eyes are tearing up and my voice is shaking.

“I love you Kelly.”

Relief softens her face and her mouth twists back up into a smile. “I love you too Kate,” she says, “you know that. I wouldn’t be here without you. Literally. You’re the reason Jake and I met. And you’re my best friend. I’d be lost without you.”

The moment is gone. It’s too late. I should just drop it. I should just let it go and let her go walk down the aisle and marry Jake. I should protect our friendship and never speak of this again. She’s turned away from me and is walking toward the mirror.

“No Kel, that’s not what I mean. I don’t just love you. I’m in love with you.”