Good writing! Here is some feedback :)
- In a few places near the beginning, the rhythm feels a bit off. For example “Life is a wonderful thing / So I’ve been told / But without you it seems cold” feels a bit clunky! 🤷♀️ Perhaps it would work better like: “Life is a wonderful thing, I’ve been told / But without you it only seems cold.” Of course, this just a suggestion, and you can always choose whatever rhythm feels right to you! 🤗
When it comes to rhythm, sometimes what I do is re-read the whole stanza, in my head or out loud, and that helps me see the bigger picture and how those words sound when they’re put together. Again, just a thought! :)
- There are a few grammar mistakes I caught. Ex. “And pretend it not?” It seems that you’ve sacrificed the “did” here for rhythmic effect, which is perfectly fine! But if that wasn’t the case, I figured I’d mention it, and also say that the stanza still reads nicely if the “did” is included! 🤗
Also, “for the world you knew is no more / and you are left with nothing” might be better grammatically as “for the world you’d known would be no more / and you would be left with nothing” 😊 This tense would then stay consistent throughout the next stanza (i.e. you’d have “sun would rise” and “you’d forget”) — but again, poetry is subjective! That is just my take, and you might find that for your writing purposes that suggestion doesn’t work for you, which is okay :)
- I’d also like to point out what I thought you did really well here. I love the line “It is a moment in time / a poem with no rhyme” 👏🎉💯 Nice comparison to how life feels like it’s missing something without the person there.
“For my world would end / And only the spinning / Is that in my head” 👏🎉💯 HECK YES with that extended metaphor!!! I love how you rework the idea of spinning earth with head spinning. Perfect! (However, If I might make one suggestion here again with tense… “would be that in my head” might read better grammatically:)
“…please relieve me of strife / For without you / There is no life.” 👏🎉💯 YESS! Way to end it with a bang. So many times I read poems or stories and they just END with nothing, or just sort of fizzle out. I think you do a nice job wrapping this up here. Also, well done keeping a consistent theme thought the whole poem. It feels very whole, continuing to come back to the same idea stanza after stanza. 😁
Nice writing overall! I’m just an amateur writer but hopefully my feedback helped somewhat at least 😂🤷♀️
