Once upon a time, there lived a princess in a tower in a magical land far far away. She had lived in the tower for as long as she could remember. She was beautiful- there was no question about that: flawless skin, shining hair, and eyes that sparkled with silent laughter. The perfect princess. She just needed a prince.

Several had tried to reach her before. She’d grown out her hair to try and make a climbing rope, but that hadn’t worked. The poor bastard slipped fell right back down, into the rose bushes. Another had commandeered a dragon and tried to fly up to the tower. It was working until the scaly beast saw a very large goat and decided that the would-be hero was going to make the perfect side dish for his lunch.

It had been months since the last attempt (it involved a poorly-made sleeping potion and some fairies... I won’t go into it). Our lovely princess was starting to get bored. She had read all the books in her room and even painted some illustrations for her favourite scenes. Then one day, just as the sun was rising, a pebble came flying through her window.

She peered down and saw a knight in shining armour, sitting atop a white horse. The ultimate cliche- just her cup of tea. “Good morrow fair maiden!” he called romantically, “I am here to rescue you!”

“How do you plan on doing that, handsome?” she inquired with a wink and a smile.

“I brought a ladder... and mountain climbing gear.” He produced an ice pick and a rope ladder from pouches in his horse’s saddle.

“Oh my!” She exclaimed, “if you can get up here, I’ll have your hand!”

With marriage on his mind, our prince began to climb. He smiled all the way. When he reached the window sill, he took the princess’ soft and dainty hands in his and leaned in to kiss her. He didn’t expect to be pulled in with such force. Wow, he thought to himself, she really wants me!

But it wasn’t lovemaking that she wanted. It was the taste of his flesh. The crunch of cartilage and slippery muscles. The sweet and salty and sour organs.

As she cleaned her teeth with his smallest rib, she could see another figure approaching in the distance. She flung the bone into a corner with the others, giggling. Hurriedly, she dusted and washed herself off and approached the window. “Oh Prince Charming!” she called, “You sure do look delicious!”