“Hi! Er, is my audio working? Hello?”

“Hi, yeah, I can hear you, can you hear me?”

“Sorry, damn thing, hold on... just a second, I’ve got this...”

“I can hear you fine, I think it’s working-“

“Er, just a sec, let me... there! Can you hear me?”

“Hello! Yes, I could hear you the whole time, I-“

“No, still not working, you must think I look like a right idiot, flapping away like a mime! Not that you can hear me, I could be saying anything right now, making a right bloody fool of myself, blah blah blah what a tit bollocks this shitty computer...”

“Yeah, I can, like, hear everything you’re saying, really, maybe if I do the whole jazz hands like this? No? You have no idea. Fuck me, this is... wow 10/10 would CoronaDate again, Jesus Christ-“

“Oh! Hi! Sorry, what was that? Oops! I just had the volume turned down! Please don’t say you could hear me this whole time!?”

“Hey! Woohoo, finally - no, couldn’t hear a word, can now - wow, what a beautiful voice you have, you-“

“Ha ha! Thank god, for a second there I- oh sorry I just spoke-“

“Er, never mind, I was on-“

“-over you, sorry, you go first, what were you saying?”

“Um, no, it’s fine, I was just saying I love your voice, it’s nice to put a voice to your messages, it’s refreshing to not just hear myself reading them in my head - it’s music to my ears”

“Aw! That’s so sweet! Isn’t it weird doing this over video? I mean, is this what it was like in the olden times when you had to write letters to each other?!”

“Um, no...? I think that was a bit different...”

“Yeah, I guess, I mean, we didn’t have to wait for a reply, yeah?! How mad would that be, having to actually write? Haha! Don’t know what I’d do without predictive text haha!”

“Yeah, must’ve been pretty crazy back then, no Tinder or whatever.”

“Tinder? God! That rot! That’s like a cattle market for humans, misogynistic bag of shi- er, vile piece of software.”

“Haha, ha, yeah, it’s pretty stereotypical of society right now, you’d never find me putting myself on display like that...”

“Yeah, you seem like a pretty sweet and sensible guy, that’s one of the things that I liked about your profile, I loved that you included a link to your blog, gives a real insight into you as a person.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought - I mean, yeah, I like to think I present a pretty genuine view of myself, what you see is what you get, and all that - not to say that there isn’t more to me than what you see, I’m pretty complex you be honest, but er, yeah I can relate to people you know? Like to think I’m ‘true’”

“Aw, yeah, that’s what I value most about a person, like, how true they are to themselves, I think it really reflects on how they see others. I don’t want to have anything to do with people who aren’t true to themselves, you know? If you can’t be true to yourself, then how can you be true to those around you? I mean, you don’t ‘know’ someone, anyone, until you know them, yeah? And if they don’t know themselves, then how can they know anyone else who isn’t them? I mean, yeah, sorry, I’m rambling, I haven’t done this before - can you believe this is my first time remote dating? Crazy! Right?”

“Yeah, same, is pretty nuts. Weird meeting someone on purpose, completely sober, is like a whole new world...”

“Hahahahaha, yeah, er, ‘sober’, sure, totally, I get what you mean - no ice-breakers, hey?”

“Haha, no, just us, as we are, ‘true’...”

“Yeah, so... Um, what you been up to? In this whole period, I mean, er, you been working? Furloughed?”

“Um, no, I’ve been pretty full-on to be honest, no rest for the wicked, as they say! You?”

“Totally, yeah, I’ve been mad busy... I mean, um, yeah pretty hectic at work, I’m pretty important... lots of people needing me, needing help and all that, pretty crazy...”

“So... yeah, I guess you must be looking forward to actually seeing someone, in the flesh, like, to feel actual human contact....?”

“Um, yeah? I guess, like, sure thing, that personal contact is pretty important, sure but, er, I actually quite like this ‘new normal’, I mean - like there’s so many things and ways that we can express ourselves, isn’t it great that we can meet someone without all the baggage of ‘knowing’ and pre-conceived conceptions, kind of like a blank slate of mediation, we are who we are and you can be who you are... “

“Sure, that’s pretty cool, I love the discovery, finding out who someone is, it’s kind of like an adventure, a more meaningful connection than just hooking up in a bar, like... hello? I think you’ve frozen? Er, hi”

“Shit, it’s gone again. Fucksake. Bloody thing. Jesus Christ what’s the point.”