My phone buzzed and the screen lit up, the latest notification, ‘Daily Horoscope!’ flashing in the middle of the lockscreen. I rolled my eyes and continued eating my breakfast: a measly and boring bowl of porridge oats before work. Oh, the joys of missing your alarm. I didn’t much care for horoscopes, zodiacs, or astrology, all a load of codswallop, pish-posh, nonsense. And even more annoyingly, I couldn’t uninstall the app from my phone, it refused to budge, delete, I couldn’t even hide it, each day with it’s frustrating and optimistic ‘ping!’, morning after morning, when all I wanted to do was procrastinate from work by eating my breakfast as slowly and unbothered as I could. Why not turn your volume off, you may ask? Well, that doesn’t stop the vibrating and that’s even more irritating, to be perfectly honest.

My phone pinged again, and I picked it up with a sigh, blinking in the bright light that was thrown in my face (note to self, don’t drink on a Sunday night, it’s not worth it). ‘Daily Horoscope!’ stared at me, obnoxious in the way it dared to be there.

“Oh, what the hell, I’ll humour you. What’s my horoscope for the day?” I opened the app and scoffed, ‘Your day will be filled with gratitude, and don’t forget your coffee!’.

“Gratitude? Coffee? Well, damn right I’m not going to forget my coffee, but come on. Do you really have to make it so general that it can apply to anyone and everyone? And who’s gratitude? Certainly not mine, it seems- Ah!” My work alarm went off, and the shock almost made me drop my phone. After hastily trying to find the right button to make it shut up, I shoved my phone in my pocket and put my empty bowl in the sink, I’ll deal with that later.

“Crap…” I grabbed my coat on the way to the front door, swinging it round my shoulders as I picked up my apartment keys and handbag, an interesting juggling act to be observed, I’m sure. I couldn’t be late, at least not again, or I reckoned my boss might actually fire me this time, she had threated to do so on numerous occasions up until now.

“CRAP.” It wasn’t until I was standing on the subway that I realised I had, in fact, forgotten my bloody coffee. What a delightful coincidence that was, eh? See, I knew this app really was mocking me right from the start, what with the whole ‘you can’t delete me’ schtick, and then silently judging me when I had in fact, forgotten the exact thing it told me not to.

…

‘Ping!’ Ah yes, good morning. What delightful scorn was my phone a partner in today?

‘Daily Horoscope! You should stop every once in a while! Take a breath and enjoy the moment.’ See, delightful, with its dear and intriguing sanguinity… Are you believing me yet? I’m not always this cynical, but come on, I work six days a week in a boring old office, with a boss who hates me. No, she didn’t fire me, but the favours and sing-song “pleases” and “thank yous” all day is a little grating.

Well, she didn’t fire me yesterday, anyhow. Although I wasn’t much betting on my luck today, currently stood on a very hot, very crowded, very broken-down subway.

“Stop and enjoy the moment, my arse.”

…

‘Ping! Today you will get a phone-call from your favourite person!’

Well… my mother rang me about lunchtime asking how work was. I said, “You’ll have to ring them Mum, cause I’m not there, and I won’t be going back there. I got fired yesterday.” Surprise.

…

‘Ping! Today you will see a dog! And you’ll walk under a ladder, but watch out, it’s bad luck! Make sure there is no painter on the ladder when you do!’

Great, so not only are we talking about bogus astrology, but also different types of superstition now?

To be fair, I did see a dog, it was a very cute dog. What was less cute was the bucket of bright yellow paint that fell on my head. I’ll be scrubbing yellow out of my clothes for a while, it seems.

And I SERIOUSLY need to delete this app.