I’m addicted to you. I wish there were 12 steps to remove you from my life. You make me miserable and I just don’t know who I am because of you.

You got me hooked on purpose to play with my head and it has changed my soul. You have rearranged my foundation and now I stand on ground that wants to fall beneath me. At times I want to cut myself and watch it bleed just to feel something again. You took away everything I had and played with my mind. I was delusional to think that you cared for me. No matter how you apologise to me it makes no difference. I’m broken and damaged and I am to blame. I knew you. I knew you were unable to control your darkness and I fell into your embrace anyway.

When you kissed me I felt the world disappear. I had never felt so content in someone's arms. You could see me fall in love with you and it built a game for you to play. You toyed with my desire for you and felt joy in building me up so you could plan how to tear me down. I never expected you to demolish me like you did. Especially since you directly told me you wouldn’t.

I think about your hands on me all the time. I dream about sleeping in a bed with you and having my head on your chest. I crave the feeling of your body pressed perfectly up against mine. The way you would take control and convince me that I was someone you were attracted to. The lie was so great and I was so blind.

The night you admitted to playing with my mind made me rethink every moment we had shared and every word you had ever said to me. It changed every kiss, every touch and every thought. I had fallen in love with an illusion.

“I was naïve, your love was like candy

Artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping,

Got caught in your web and I learned how to bleed

I was prey in your bed and devoured completely”

I want to take every moment with you back and give them to someone deserving. Someone who would take pleasure in my happiness and not my misery. To people who appreciate my love and compassion and all that I do.

You introduced me to a world that I wasn’t ready for. Sex with you was exhilarating and intriguing. I felt more alive in one night then I had in 25 years. How you could show me such passion and have it all be an elaborate act is a feat and sadly something I, in the back of mind, find impressive.

You treat me like I don’t exist. In the beginning you would text with me for hours. All day and night I would be talking to you and divulging information you would later use against me. I told you things only I knew, things that were like little keys you could use to unlock barriers and shorten the time it would take for my walls to come down. You made it seem like you found me interesting, like you wanted to spend time with me.

I moved to Brisbane and we made out in my car every night for over a week. The passion was so immense that I felt a growing urge to not be away from you. You told me you wanted me. Which in itself I should have questioned considering that you have known me for four years now and all you have ever done is make it clear that “If I was on fire and the only way to put it out was to have sex with you, I would let myself die”. I thought it was clear that there was no sexual attraction between us. But from the moment you kissed me I thought this could not be the case.

I know this is all over the place but the fact is, these are my thoughts. I went to your house that night to say hi. It had been a year since I had seen you last and I missed you. We drank and talked and you snuck me up to your room and we laughed and had a great time. I said it was time to sleep because I was quite intoxicated and all of a sudden you kissed me. You were so aggressive with passion for me and we then had the most amazing night of my life. That moment changed everything about me.

Then the next day my flight was cancelled and I received a room in a hotel. You came over and even sober, I had never experienced such a melding of souls. I feel so stupid to think that in the times I spent with you I was so sure that this was something amazing that could never and would never be replicated with anyone else. I couldn’t believe your words when you told me it was all a lie.

After that I went back to Sydney the texting was our main contact. As I said above, these were revealing times that lead to the eventual end of my relationship with the man I thought I would marry and spend the rest of my life with. Then I moved back to Brisbane and we spent some wonderful times together. We discussed my growing affection for you and that you would not be able to return it. I accepted this in the hope that even though you were damaged yourself, you would still soon fall for me too.

It was on the night of our mutual friends comedy debut that it all became so wrong. You had been drinking, no change there, and you were growing annoyed with my presence at the event. You proceeded to tell me how you had been playing with my mind all along and that you had made me want you. Made me want you so bad that you would then take joy in keeping your distance and watching me squirm.

I was crushed.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I cried all the way home. I had only ever cried like that once in my life and the drive home was filled with impulses to drive into a pole. I’m grateful of my rationality and lack of stupidity to something like that.

You broke my heart into so many pieces and even though the next day your apology was very believable, I was now so aware of everything you had ever done and it felt so true that this was a reality and that I had been played.

I miss you every second of the day and everything I do I wonder what you would think. The fact that you are so uninterested in me and what I say and do makes me feel worthless and that my existence is a joke. If I didn’t know better I would have died by now.

The vulnerability that feel around you is only in comparison to hanging from a hand over a canyon. The trust I put in you so blindly has destroyed me so completely.

I know this has been a long “thought” but I can’t keep this in my mind anymore. I am so addicted to you and it’s now been four weeks since you touched me and I’m losing my mind. You will never read this, if you did you would just add it to your ego and gain pleasure in my admittance of needing you.

It makes me sad that I still believe you are worthy of my love and I forgive you for everything automatically. Guess that makes me stupid. But every night when I go to bed I wish for your nails to cut lines in my back and for your hand to slap my face and press down on my throat. The unhealthy need for you to mistreat me sexually makes me think that any new person could never satisfy my new desires.

I wish I had never met you. That you had never kissed me. That you had never had the chance to do this to me. But I still want you to text me and ask me to come over. To have you have your way with my body, mind and soul. And this, this is why I will be addicted to you.

Until I can force you out of my thoughts I will never be free. I will never move on and get back what I lost because of you.

I just want you to love me. I just want you to disappear. I just want to see you again.

After all of these years, your words wounded me deeply, but your silence hurt me even more.