June 30th, 2014.

 

             I sit at my desk twiddling the ring that is planted on my left hand. Round and round in circles it goes.

 

 

 

 

A year ago: 
Two weeks before the wedding
June 16th, 2013.

 

           My fiancé and I are finishing the last remaining details of our wedding. He wanted this small ceremony and me being a girl of course I wanted a big glamorous one. We both decided we wanted this wonderful outdoor wedding with all our friends and family. With the wedding this close I couldn’t shake this feeling that something was still missing. I couldn’t tell Gordon about that because he is stressed enough and to tell him that I am having my doubts, he would lose it. I call up my friend Spencer and explain to her what is going on; she told me that it is perfectly normal to be having doubts this close to the wedding so she advised me to go out and get away from all of the wedding plans.

 

            The moment I got off the phone with her I got up off the couch and made my way to the front door. I took a deep inhale and then slowly exhaled. I grab my keys and walk out my front door and the New Jersey air hits me like a ton of bricks. It felt nice and refreshing to finally be outside on this gorgeous Sunday. I grab the keys from my purse and start walking to my car. When I get into my car I just sat in my driveway with my hands on the wheel with no destination. Finally after ten minutes of sitting here in complete silence I grab the key and put it in the ignition. I start heading down the road and all of the Sunday drivers are out and about, good thing I am not in a rush to get anywhere fast. I pull out my phone and plug it into the AUX port so I can play some music because this silence is killing me. I needed something to clear my head. I decided I was going to drive into the city and spend the day there.

 

            On my way to the city I decide to pick up Spencer so she can tag along with me. I pull into her driveway and before I even put my car into park Spencer comes running out of her house.

 

            “How is everything?” She asks.

 

            “So far so good I guess. I am getting out of the house and you are coming with me.”

 

            “Sounds amazing,” she says beaming with joy.

 

            We finally arrive in the city around noon and it is packed. We see a garage about a mile up the road so we decide to park there instead of trying to get around all of these people. Once we get to the garage she looks at me with a puzzled look on her face.

 

            “What’s wrong?”

 

            “Nothing, just have a lot on my mind,” I said with the least amount of convincing.

 

 

            “Well no worries, today we will make all of those worries go away,” she says as she grabs my hand and leads me to the streets of New York City. I am from a small town in Jersey so all of this foot traffic is something I am not too familiar with. We started walking towards Broadway and we notice this small diner called the Stardust diner so we decided to go in and grab something to eat for lunch. When we get in there the waiters are singing and dancing as they bring out peoples food, this would have to be, without a doubt, the coolest diner I have ever been to. We get seated and we start looking through the menu to see what we want. We placed our order and then we just sat there; neither of us said anything. I wonder what is on her mind. We both ordered a cheeseburger with fries, it was delicious. When the waiter brings out the check I go to reach for it but Spencer grabbed it before I had the chance to.

 

            “You really don’t have to do that Spence.”

 

            “I know but believe me I want to,” she gives me a little wink.

 

            As we are walking out of the diner she starts to skip down the sidewalk heading towards Time Square.  Spencer is a ball of energy and has been ever since I have known her. We have been best friends since high school. If there were ever a time I needed her or to tell her a secret, I knew I could count on her. So I follow her. As we approach Time Square we both stop in awe. It is so breathtaking. She is standing in the middle of Time Square and she makes some bystander take our picture and right before he snaps the picture she gives me a little peck on the cheek. The picture turned out so beautiful that when we get home Spencer wanted to have it framed.

 

            It starts getting dark so Spencer and I start to head back to the garage. All in all it has been a good outing. It definitely got my thoughts off of the wedding. We pay the gentleman at the booth and we make our way to my car. We arrive to my car and I plug my phone in and away we go; trying to get out of the city at 6:00 PM was a terrible idea because of the traffic. We finally arrive back at Spencer’s house at 7:45 PM. I sit down on her couch for a little, I don’t feel like heading back to my house at the moment. She drops her body right next to mine on the couch. I feel like I could sit here doing nothing for the rest of the day

 

            Next thing I know I wake up three hours later, both Spencer and I had fallen asleep. First thing I do is check my phone and I have three missed calls and one voicemail from Gordon.

 

           Oh crap!

 

_            Gordon: Hey Vera, where are you? I am worried sick you haven’t called or texted since you got into the city. I am scared something might have happened to you. Please call me as soon as you get this. Thanks and I love you baby._

       

 

            “Spence, Wake up!”

 

            “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” she says rubbing her eyes.

 

            “We fell asleep. Gordon is worried, I have to get home.” I say as I am grabbing my purse and keys.

 

            I am about a half hour away from home and I am trying not to speed but every time I check my odometer it is always over by at least ten MPH. My music is blasting trying to help calm my nerves but sadly it is not working. When I finally arrive back at our house Gordon is frantically walking back and forth on the deck, anxiously waiting my arrival. I put the car in park, take a deep breath, and then step out of the car.

            “Where the hell have you been Vera?” He yells across the lawn.

 

            “I was at Spencer’s house relaxing and we fell asleep I am sorry.”

 

            He grabs my hand and pushes me up against the door. He kisses my neck.

 

            “I am sorry I over reacted. Come in I have dinner ready,” he says as he leans in to kiss me.

 

            I walk towards the kitchen and the food smells delicious. I grab a Diet Coke out of the refrigerator and sit down at the table. During dinner neither of us say one word, however Gordon keeps passing dirty glances my way. As soon as I am done eating I take my plate and put it in the sink.

 

            “What’s wrong sweetie?” He says as he grabs my waist.

 

            “Oh nothing just tired. I am ready for bed, come join me when you are ready.”

 

            I put my sweat pants on as well as a shirt. I crawl into bed and pull the covers over my body, wrap it around my hand and snuggle with the blanket. I start to drift to sleep and my head starts to fill with dreams of random things. At first I don’t think anything of it because they are all dreams but that is when it happened. I see the face that makes my skin crawl; a face so beautiful there are no words to describe it, just seeing that face in my dream makes me jolt awake. I get up; I can’t think of this person it is bad. I get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. I sit at the table taking small sips of water.

 

 

            “Everything alright?” He asked whisking me out of my little day dream.

 

            “Just thinking about things, nothing to worry about go back to sleep I will be there soon.”

 

            “As you wish my dear, I am here for you just remember that,” he says as he turns around and starts walking back to the room.

 

            As the glass of water becomes empty I make my way towards the living room. I figured the best way to clear my head is to indulge myself into another world. I pick up the book that is on the coffee table, wrap the blanket around my waist, and sat on the couch. Before I even realized it; it is 4:30 AM. I close the book, place it on the coffee table, and lay down. My head is filled with dreams of all different colors and sounds. As I start to drift asleep rough hands abruptly wake me.

 

            “What the hell! Why are you sleeping down here?”

 

            “I couldn’t sleep so I started to read and I just fell asleep. I am sorry.”

 

            He grabs my hands and leads me into the kitchen. He pulls out my chair and pushes me down then he goes by the stove and starts to make breakfast.

 

            “I can’t believe you didn’t come to bed,” he said quietly as he is making eggs.

 

            “I said I was sorry.”

 

            He looks at me with cold eyes.

 

            “What is going on with you? You are acting very strange,” he said as he turns his body to face me.

 

            “Not…”

 

            “Bullshit. I do not believe you. Tell me what is going on now!” He rudely interrupt me.

 

            “I just have been having doubts. I am stressed, that is all.”

 

            “Whatever,” he says under his breath as he walks away.

 

            I grab my keys and walk out slamming the door behind me. I pull into a vacant parking lot. I plug my phone into the AUX port and looked for something soothing to put on. I slide my shoes off my feet and remove my socks; I put my feet out of the window so the nice cold air hits them. I lean my head against my center console and just stare out the sun roof at the big grey fluffy clouds. I heard the vibration of my phone going off so I grabbed it from the cup holder, the name Spencer lit up my phone.

 

 

            Spencer: Hey how are you?

 

            Me: Gordon and I had a big fight so I’ve been better.

 

            Spencer: Oh my god. Are you alright?

 

            Me: I’ve been better. What are you up to?

 

            Spencer: Nothing really. Would you like me to come up and keep you company?

 

            Me: I would love that. I am at the old creek by the center of town.

 

            Spencer: Great! I’ll see you in ten minutes.

 

            Out of the corner of my eye I see Spencer’s green Jeep kicking up dust. She pulls right next to me, jumps out of her car, and enters mine.

 

            “Hey there gorgeous,” she said as she leans in for a hug

 

            “Why hello,” I flashed a smile.

 

            I checked my phone and I still have not received a phone call or a text from Gordon. Part of me is worried but the other part of me is glad because I am not being bothered. Spencer and I talk about everything under the sun; from guys to jobs.

 

            “So are there any guys that you have your eye on?” I asked

 

“Well there is this one person that I do like but I can’t tell them,” her face turned bright red as she replied.

 

            “Why not we aren’t in high school anymore, just tell him.”

 

            “I can’t it’s too hard.”

 

            She turns her head and looks out the window. She must really like this person. I put my hand on the small of her back trying to comfort her. She looks back at me and smiles. I lean in to her give a hug and she put her lips against mine. At first I am put back because I wasn’t expecting a kiss from her.

 

            “You kissed me?”

 

            “I know I am sorry I shouldn’t have done that. It was just an impulse,” she quickly moves away from me and looks out the window again.

 

            “Why did you kiss me?”

 

            “You are the person I like. I thought you felt the same way about me but I know you don’t and I am sorry.”

 

            “Don’t be sorry, I actually liked it,” I put my hands on the back of her neck and pull her closer and I kissed her again. It’s strange because kissing her feels more natural than kissing my own fiancé. Oh my god my fiancé! What am I going to tell him?

 

            “I-I have to go. I will text you later. I am sorry.” I start my car up and start heading home. I feel so guilty. Gordon and I have been together for seven years and I have never cheated on him. I just don’t understand; Spencer and I have been best friends for four years why all of a sudden am I having these feelings for her? I try to shake these thoughts as I walk through my front door.

 

            “Honey, I am home,” I shout.

 

            “Upstairs,” I hear in reply.

 

            I start walking upstairs slowly breathing in and out. I see Gordon in our room lying on the bed.

 

            “How are you?” I asked shyly.

 

            “I’m fine. Come here,” he said in a low voice.

 

            Gordon takes my hand and pushes me down so I am on my back. He straddles me while kissing my neck. “I love you,” he whispers in my ear. He gently runs his hands along the inside of my thighs. I can feel his manhood against my leg and I can tell he is definitely in the mood. He puts his finger in my vagina as a way of teasing me and then he undoes his pants and thrusts into me. I scream; not out of pleasure but because I know that is what he wanted to hear. He thrusts a couple more times and then he stops and looks me dead in the eye.

 

 

            “Where are you right now?” he asks

 

            “What do you mean? I am right here with you baby,” I lie.

 

            He finishes and then turns over facing the wall. I feel so ashamed, I get off the bed put a towel around my nude body and walk into the bathroom. I turn on the water and just sit there in my tub with the water hitting me. With each drop of water that hits my forehead all I can think about is what will happen to Spencer if Gordon ever finds out. I can’t help but to cry. I betrayed the man I love but my heart is split between the two of them. I know that I can’t throw away this engagement. No matter what I feel for Spencer this engagement has to go on. I finish my shower put on my sweats and climb into bed.

 

            I wake up before Gordon does so I get out of bed and make my way downstairs. I figured I would make a nice breakfast for him. I know it won’t change what happened but at least I can try to make things better. I pull out the bacon from the fridge as well as the eggs. I get a small mixing bowl and start cracking the eggs over the bowl dumping the shells into a smaller bowl right next to the sink. I put a little cheddar cheese into the mix as well as the milk, and then I put the egg fixings and the bacon on the stove and wait as they start to cook. As the eggs and bacon are cooking I start preparing the coffee. I hear Gordon start making his way downstairs so I quickly set the table.

 

            “What are you doing?” he asked.

 

            “I am making you breakfast. It should be done shortly if you want to go get ready,” I said as I start bringing the plates closer to the stove.

 

            By the time he came back from the bathroom breakfast and a nice big cup of coffee was on the table all ready for him.

 

            “Thank you. It looks delicious,” he smiled.

 

            “Anytime baby. I love you,” I said as I kiss his cheeks.

 

            I have to make this work with only two weeks before the wedding, things are very stressful.

 

 

            “Did you write your vows yet?” he asked me.

 

            “Just about done, you?”

 

            "Yeah I finished last night,” he responded.