Its funny how such a small moment can make you question such a large part of who you are. I am sitting at my desk wrapping up a client session and before he leaves my office he says “ I dont want to be disrespectfull, but I just want to say that you are a beautiful woman”. I am taken a back. He continues “ You are always so kind and willing to listen to me and I feel like you and your team have helped me tremendously”. “Have a great day”. I sit at my desk, bewildered. I have been seeing this client for a few months now and he has made great progress in his recovery but I never considered that I was a part of someone’s journey. I dont understand why his kind words are bothering me so much. I sit at my desk reflecting on my personal life. Even though his words were probably intented to be a compliment, I am sad…..and a little frustrated. I almost want to cry. It has been such a long time since someone gave me a compliment or just been kind. I miss kindness. I miss compliments.

This thoughtful compliment is bringing up unresolved feelings. I have been married over 20 years and I shouldn’t feel like this. I feel alone, and the most unsettling feeling is that I feel unliked by my husband. Sure, we have gone through tough times in the past and have managed to endure. Lately, however, this unsettling wave we’ve been riding has lingered past the point of ‘a tough time’. Its been so long since I have felt light, carefree and secure. Everything feels so uncertain lately. I have more questions about the man I married than answers. I am not sure if I know him anymore. Wait, does he even know me anymore?

This is why I am on the verge of tears. I very much love my husband and I want to live out the remainder of our years together…..or do I? I question myself lately more than I ever have. Is it crazy that I can see both a future where my husband and I are enjoying our life together, simple and loving; and a future where I am enjoying myself without him. I dont like this anxiety, this unknowing. I feel broken. I want to be complete, not perfect.