As Of Late
(I don’t normally put trigger warnings but there is a lot of pro ana tips that I don’t want people to follow, and heavy references to disordered eating/body image I guess? I’m not quite sure)
I’d definitely promise I was quite the honest person,
I’d declare I was logical, well rounded,
I’d claim my morals were fixed;
But don’t we all say things that aren’t true,
Little white lies to placate our conscience.
Don’t we all believe the lies we tell ourselves,
Convinced their what we need?
Don’t we
Don’t we
Don’t we all.
You see, I made a mistake
A silly, silly mistake
My bitter thoughts themselves
Were not the crime
Merely
The sly perpetrators
Or perhaps the ones that drove me too it
Before crying at my funeral.
We live in a society where disordered eating is encouraged:
Crash diets that fix all our problems incessantly advertised
Conflicting information, eat this, don’t eat that
That I can never make sense of
Constant pressure, do better
Try harder
Can you blame me for crumbling?
Battered tower
Can you?
When the storm was so angry
Looking me in the eyes
Can you really?
This unfamiliar point
Is a dangerous edge
Of which I have tried
And fought.
I used to find meaning in philosophy
Religion that I fell to in awe
Scraped knees
Bless the uneven floor
My greatest stability.
But sometimes,
At some points
You get tired.
No, not tired
Not quite.
You get numb,
Gut wrenchingly numb
Like your soaked through to the bone
But you can’t quite care
When drowning feels so comforting.
Gasping for air feels so futile.
The screams seem so loud, this being a chance of them stopping.
The screams being my thoughts.
You see there’s regulations I have to follow
To a point, they are my law
My God
2 meals
That’s all that’s acceptable
20 chews
For each bite
2 litres of water
At the very least
2000 calories
Well that’s a sin
Rules
Rules
Stupid rules.
But maybe then I’ll get what I desire
Bulging cheekbones
Sunken collarbones
Gap between my thighs.
Then more
Jutting kneecaps
Flat stomach
Count my ribs.
Cause isn’t being thin being happy?
And being happy’s all I ever wanted
Being ok
Being safe
Being fine.
All these silly little wishes,
Dropping like childhood innocence
Washed away by tears.
I used to think I was quite the honest person
I used to say I was logical
Well rounded
I used to believe my morals were
Fixed;
Well
I want to be a skeleton
Not a person
I want to be emaciated
Not well rounded
Like my weight my morals
Fluctuate, never good enough.
And so enter the lies
I ate earlier.
I’m not hungry,
What! I’m thin why would I diet?
I want to fade
I want to fade in a soft way
In a slow way.
I want to be nothingness
As in oblivion
I want my absence to be notably there.
Cause maybe then I’ll be ok,
Ok enough to see people
Ok enough to go out
Ok enough to like myself;
But I’m never ok
Never.
I just keep losing things
Letting things fall
Like that number on the scale.
Forgetting the things
That matter.
Happiness is warmth
So if happiness is being thin
Why am I so fucking cold
So lost.
This map of bones I trace
Across my wilting skin
Following desperately
Again and again
But it always leads
To emptiness.