jessica’s night out

“don’t do it.” Jessica stared at the card, puzzled. what did this mean? what wasn’t she supposed to do? who’s card was this? how did she end up with it? questions flooded through her mind, as she struggled to focus on just one question. she needed that test result, and she needed it now. what if it wasn’t blood? what if this was a simple, funny prank some jokester was playing on her? she willed her mind to stop. stop asking questions. stop panicking. stop. just for a minute of complete emptiness. but, she knew all too well that minute didn’t exist. not in her world anyway. the constant flooding of questions, scenarios, conversations, facts, ideas, opinions, people, words, and dreams, would always be there. it would never go away. she wanted to be in a cartoon, so her head would just combust into a million fragments. she wanted so badly for everything to stop. she wanted to just go on pause, not to see the judgmental eyes and faces watching. the people that followed her everywhere, the models that judged her from inside the magazine, the actors on the tv, the characters in the books, everyone that saw her. she wanted them to disappear. vanish into nothing and never come back. what if that did happen? would she be satisfied? or would she want more? would there always be this need for something to change? someone to appear or disappear? something to happen? jessica managed to swerve her brain off of the vicious cycle it was heading down. she took deep breaths, focused on the card in front of her, and let herself pause. she collected herself, it was a meaningless business card that she stumbled upon. it was probably some old halloween prank someone threw in the street. it had no connection to her or anything about her life. she was fine and she told herself that until she believed it. the card, as meaningless as it was, symbolized something. it symbolized the anxiety, the fear, the paranoia, the questions that drowned her brain constantly. the words that burned holes through her brain, the looks that made her defenses crumble, the sensations that made her body tense. her life was controlled by an intangible feeling. something so many people in this world shared, but yet, talking about it was taboo. the feeling should be pushed under the rug. it was all just in her head, none of it was real it was all just a simulation your brain was playing. the panic that rose when something happened, the feeling of being sick to your stomach. those weren’t in her head, she could feel them. yes, her fingers couldn’t grab on and hold them but she could feel her stomach twist and knot when something happened. she didn’t understand why. why it was so bad to feel this way? why nothing made sense to her anymore? this feeling controlled her life, it never stopped. would it ever go away?