I love him.

So why does it make me sad?

He loves me.

So why do I feel so bad?

He is safety.

But I wasn’t always safe

He is gentle

But I’ve endured the intentional infliction of pain.

He holds me

But I want so badly to pull away

He is patient

But his understanding brings frustration

He is good

But it makes me feel irritation

He is kind

But I don’t want to completely relinquish my trust

He is responsible

But I don’t want to settle in us

He is home

But I’ve always wanted to travel

He is stable

But I need newness to give me a rattle

I need him

But he doesn’t need me.

I am impatient

But he waits for me patiently

I am doubtful

But he is always sure

I am terrified

But he doesn’t care that I’m insecure

I am broken

But he doesn’t mind my sharp pieces

I am anxious

But it’s the stillness he beseeches

I am guilty

But he doesn’t blame me

I am tearful

But he never shames me

I sink deeper

But he never anchors me

I am empty

But he never empties me

I am screaming

But he can’t hear me inside

I am flailing

He would be disappointed to know that I lied

I am not fine

But he doesn’t know it

I am on edge

But I’d never show it

I can’t focus

I’ve lost all motivation

I am crippled

By a kind of apathetic devastation.

He is joyful

But it doesn’t reach my eyes

He is happy

But I really don’t know why

He is shining

But I’ve never felt so dull

He is beauty

But I’m never really full

I am disgusted

But he would never want that

I am embarrassed

For always feeling inadequate

I am shameful

But he would disagree

I am broken

Why does he still love me?