CW: slur

The bell for lunch rang and I burst out of calculus, striding down the hall to my locker. Kinsley was already standing there when I arrived. Her blonde hair was twisted into two adorably girlish Dutch braids with a headband covering the part above her bangs. She wore olive green overalls and mismatched socks with a scrunchie on her wrist. All in all, she looked as adorable as she did the day I first met her at Girls Camp when we were both Beehives. It was the summer before middle school and I couldn’t have met her at a more opportune moment. That single week together crafted an unbreakable friendship. I never would have guessed she’d be my bestfriend and rock as we entered our senior year at North High.

“Hey, guess who aced her first calculus quiz,” I sang to her, sauntering over to her with laughably exaggerated swagger. I lifted my hand for her to high-five me. She did but it’s half-hearted and so was her smile. That sobered me immediately and I tilted my head, looking her over.

“Hey, Kins, what’s up? Are you okay?” I asked her as I began spinning the combination on my locker and popping it open.

“Can we talk?” She asked me and she was serious, more serious than I’ve ever known her to be.

“Yeah, shoot,” I nodded, as I pushed my textbooks into my locker. Kinsley takes a deep, steadying breath.

“Look, I want to ask you something that I’ve thought about for a long time,” Kinsley said, her pale freckled cheeks becoming a bit pink. She wrang her hands but when that didn’t satisfy her nervous energy enough, she turned to playing with a loose thread along the side seam of her overalls, “We’ve been friends forever and I really don’t want to accidentally damage that. Because— like— you’re my favorite person _ever_. I don’t want to lose you.”

“Kinsley, just tell me what’s going on. You’re _not_ going to lose me,” I told her, reaching out to take her hand in mine. I gently squeezed, hoping to reassure her. Inside though, my heart was beating out of control. I couldn’t take the anticipation. It was almost making me nauseous. The high from acing my quiz was entirely gone in an instant, “Take a breath and tell me.”

“Bryn, you say that but— this is kind of a big deal and I just— I don’t have any idea how you’ll react,” Kinsley said, squeezing her eyes shut. Dread painted her expression. This had to be big.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. But, at the same time that little part me, the part that has pined for Kinsley for years, sparked with hope. We were Mormon and because we were Mormon, having homosexual feelings was taboo to admit. It was even worse to act on them but I had had these feelings for so long, I knew I couldn’t avoid them. I had accepted them internally long ago. Maybe Kinsley was feeling them too and was finally catching up. I knew how painful it was to feel like your whole existence was a sin. I felt I could read that feeling on Kinsleys face now.

“Kins, it’s okay, there’s nothing you could say that would make me upset,” I said, shaking her hand and bending down so that when she opened her eyes she would find mine. After a few more seconds, her baby blues revealed themselves to me— only they were glassy with sorrow.

Most of the rest of the hallway had cleared out by this point, headed for lunch, so it was just the two of us and a few stragglers. It took her a few moments to deliberate but finally she took a breath and opened her mouth,

“I’ve been, um— experiencing feelings that I shouldn’t…,” She hesitantly began, and that was all I needed to know. It was obvious. It was _beyond_ obvious. She wanted me like I wanted her and my heart couldn’t help but sing with joy. Without a second thought, I dropped Kinsleys hand and reached up to cup her aborbly round cheeks in my hands.

“Kinsley. You _don’t_ need to be afraid,” I told her before bringing our foreheads together like we always seem do when talking about heavy things. The action made Kinsley burst into tears, “Nothing is wrong with you for feeling the way you do. Kinsley, I feel the same way. I’ve felt this way for _years_.” And then, feeling bold, I kissed her right on those rosy lips of hers.

Kinsley gasped and stilled, clearly surprised by the revelation that I too liked girls and that I too was in love with her. Her soft sobs stopped, getting caught in her throat. This probably was all too fast for someone who is just coming out, but I couldn’t help myself. I then leaned to wrap her in a hug but something stopped me.

Kinsleys hands were on my shoulders.

She was pushing me away. Her eyes were red and her expression was a mixture of confusion and repulsion. Surely, I was misreading things though. Maybe she wasn’t ready for PDA. Maybe I jumped the gun.

“What the _frick_?” Kinsley finally said in a watery voice after a minute. When I reached to cover her hands with mine, she batted me away, “Why the _frick_ did you just kiss me? Oh my gosh, Bryn. Are you _gay_ or something?” Tears still lingered in her pale lashes but she wasn’t actively crying anymore. She was just staring at me in shock.

Then she took a step back.

My world tunneled into a pinprick as my stomach fell to my toes.

“I don’t know what the heck is going on with you. I was trying to ask you if you would hate me if I dated _Jax_. Why the heck did you kiss me, Bryn?” She shook her head and I didn’t have any words to say. They wouldn’t form in my mouth. I was rendered completely mute. Kinsley _wasn’t_ like me. She _didn’t_ share my feelings. This whole time, she was trying to ask me if she could date my ex, Jaxon. Everything began to make sense as the mortification set in. She was scared of how I’d react because she was asking to break _girl code _not because she was coming out to me and confessing her feelings for me. I mattered to her, but not in the way that she mattered to me.

In that moment, something inside me broke.

“Bryn, are you _lesbian_? How could you kiss me?” I could hear her say, but her words were muffled and distant as my heartbeat grew louder in my ears. A small part of me wanted to correct her and tell her that I was actually bisexual but the other 99% of my body was telling me to run, “Bryn, that’s _gross_. Homosexuality is a _sin_.”

That final sentence, even though it was like I was listening to her underwater, was the last thing I could stand to hear. Trying to keep my breaths slow and even, I turned to my locker, shut the door, and began walking away from her down the hall. Nausea was building inside me. I was starting to feel like I couldn’t breathe.

“Bryn! Where are you going?” Kinsley called after me but I didn’t stop to say I was headed to the administration office. I honestly couldn’t speak and I was afraid if I tried, I’d start crying. “What about Jax?” She yelled.

I walked to the office and explained I felt unwell. I suppose my colorless face convinced them because they didn’t put up a fight. I signed out. I drove home. I fell into my bed with my jeans and backpack still on. My lungs were heaving and I could feel tears streaming down my face but I hadn’t sobbed yet. I was in too much shock. Then I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was a message from a contact named: Asshole.

Asshole: are you really a faggot?

Asshole: really would have been nice if had you dealt with that crap rather than waste my time for five months.

Asshole: Don’t tell me you think I was the one that made you gay

Finally a sob burst out of me, shredding my throat and lungs. Just like that, the fragile lie that was my life came crashing down around me. My life at school would change. My life at church and seminary would change. My entire world would change. I had assumed it was Kinsley that wasn’t ready to admit who she was, but at that point, in the throes of it, I realized it was me that wasn’t ready.

I planned to do this after graduation when my life wouldn’t be thrown upside down.

I planned to leave the church after moving away to college and starting fresh no matter how my family reacted.

I had planned so many things but the prospect of Kinsley feeling the same way I did, made me change them all. I would have done anything with her at my side. I would have protected her. I would have supported her. I would have loved her with my whole soul.

I already did and had for a long time.

Yet she wanted Jaxon, of all people.

I had never felt more alone than I did then in my entire life.