She’d met her Fairy Godmother and made it to the ball,

She’d found a prince and pranced and danced, and given it her all,

The clock struck twelve, she took her leave, pursued by twenty men,

So drunkenly she stumbled, over mountain, meadow, glen,

She ran and tripped, her shoe escaped, she used some language foul,

Her shoe ran off, it found the toff, who gave a mighty howl,

“The man who finds that bucksome wench shall earn a golden crown!

Go! Everyone look out for someone one stiletto down!”

The following day, at 2pm, Cinderella rolled out of bed,

Her head was banging, as was the door, so she crawled to respond and said:

“I know I went to the ball last night, but I don’t know more than that.

My recollection’s gone all fuzzy, my memory’s gone kersplatt!

I shouldn’t really have spent so long on cocktails, wine and gin.

Now who’s this noisy bugger at my door, trying to get in?”

Her Prince continued knocking, and she spied him through the window,

“I recognise you, Sir, but please calm down!”

The Prince yelled “Bingo!”

Now understand, this wealthy man had been searching through the night,

Although this was his own fault, he believed he’d earned the right

To claim poor Cinders as his own, to seize her like a vulture,

But this possessive thinking was a problem of his culture.

Cinders wasn’t interested, she found the rich-boy weird.

She said “I’m sorry, Mister, but I’m not into that beard.

Perhaps if you go home and shave, and ask me out to dinner,

Instead of breaking down my door, you rude, presumptuous sinner!”

He breathed in deep through gritted teeth and cawed “Now, let me through.

I’m sick and tired of looking, just try on this fucking shoe.”

Now Cinders wondered aloud, “Hold on a bloody minute.

This man’s decided overnight his future, and that I’m in it!

I’m not sure that I’m down with this, I’ve got a life to enjoy!

I don’t really want to marry this overcompensatory boy!”

She wrote a note on paper, then tried out her origami,

Then launched a paper bird out of her window, seeming barmy.

The Prince got mad, he blustered and he ordered “Kick this door down!”

His guards obeyed, they entered, and he looked a total clown,

As Cinders’ requested horse and carriage pulled to the back door,

She hopped inside and rode away, to start a new life abroad.

The Prince wailed in self pity, and some soldiers he dispatched,

But soon they returned empty handed, having failed to catch their catch.

He miserably seethed, became an endless pit of rancour,

But this is the price a man must pay if he chooses to be a wanker.