I stared at the stars above

To avoid your moonlit eyes

As you gazed a hole

Through my manipulative facade.

I

In hindsight

Should’ve split my chest open

And spilled my heart to you.

But in emotional honesty

Lies weakness

Because

When I admit my faults

Verbally to you

I must accept them

Mentally myself.

In doing so

I would destroy the

Paper-mache house

I’ve built over so many years

To protect myself

From outsiders like you.

I turned to you

In my moment of realization

And falsely admitted

I loved you

But I didn’t love you

I liked you

But I didn’t care enough to love

Because I didn’t love myself

I didn’t care for me.

So how wrong I was to believe

That I could

Bear your burdens

On top of my own.

In that moonlight

I could see the pain

Behind your eyes

The emptiness

That only love could fill.

And in that moment

You accepted my dishonesty

You let me lie to you

And myself

And for several months

I believed it whole-heartedly.

But the moon knew my truth

And the guilt would eat at me

Every night.

I started lashing out at you

For no fault of your own

But because I couldn’t handle me

Not anymore.

You took your distance

And I bore all the pain

Because I promised I would

And you finally escaped.

I reached for you

To pull you back

But you swatted my hand away

And I begged

And I cried

And I pleaded

And I lied

Saying I would change

For you

For us

But there was no us anymore.

So

In my childish immaturity

I flailed hysterically

Until you felt

The same pain

The same guilt

That I did

Under the moonlight.

Years passed

And I wanted to apologize

But you didn’t care to hear.

So I

In my selfish desire

To rid myself of the guilt

Forced my apology on you

And didn’t care enough

To read your reply.

And I

Foolishly believed

Everything was alright.

But here I am

A prisoner of the moonlight

Burdened with memories

That stain my still-guilty conscience.

I only wish I could see your face

One more time

So I could apologize sincerely

Not to rid myself of the guilt

But to make amends

For all the wrongs I’ve done.

If only.

If only.