“Yeah, I’m trying, move out of the way so I can blow his head off with my sniper rifle. Ohhh, take that you Russian terrorist piece of sh”

“HENRY!”

Startled by his mother’s presence, Henry pulls off his headset to apologize for cussing. “Sorry mom, these Russian commies keep coming and coming. Just trying to keep America safe.”

“That’s nice dear. Listen, there’s something I want to talk to you about and it’s going to be confusing at first, but it’s important tha”

“DIE, YOU SOVIET TRASH.”

“HENRY!! TURN THAT GAME OFF RIGHT NOW! I need to talk to you about something serious.”

Begrudgingly, Henry turns his system off and looks up glumly at his mom. “Ok, what?”

“So you’re at an age now where I think it’s important that you.. well, you see, you’re maturing as a young man and things will start to change. And with these changes, you might start to have questions or be alarmed by certain feelings and I just want you to know that these changes, these feelings, are totally natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Does any of this make sense to you or sound like anything maybe you’re experiencing?”

“Do you mean boners?”

“Jesus, Henry, yes, well, sort of, but they’re called erections.”

“Oh yeah, that’s what they call them in the Viagra commercials with the old dudes. My friends and I laugh at that word. It’s so medical. Boner is funnier.”

“Ok, well whatever word you want to refer to it as, when a man gets this umm.. condition, not condition, but, this reaction, it can cause a strong emotion that makes him want to get rid of it. In order to relieve this situation, men have to release what’s called semen.

“Oh, you mean cum?”

“What?? How do you know that word? And the proper word is ejaculate.”

“I don’t know, thats what _they _always call it.”

“Who’s they? Who’s calling it, why are they calling it that to you?”

“The videos. MILF cums on young stepson’s dick, Uber driver cums on passenger’s face, Peter cums on Lois Griffin’s hair while Quagmire watches from his upstairs window.”

“Oh my God, Henry, who is showing you these videos? This is not how you are supposed to learn about sex.”

“They’re right here on my phone, I just go to pornhub and then it shows you like a million videos. It’s cool, you can pick by category too. I like the hentai ones because it’s like these big dragon guys whipping around their mega lizard cocks. You can even pick in the videos what characters you want to see like how old they are or have tattoos or Asian. I never pick Russian.”

“Henry, when two people love each other very much, sex is a gift we are given to enjoy and need to value how special it is.”

“What if more than two people are involved because I saw this one video where the girl was with 4 guys and”

“No more, Henry, listen to me.”

“Sorry mom.”

“Those videos are not what love is about, and that is not what sex should be about. One day, you will find someone and together you can learn about this wonderful gift, and then when you’re old enough, you might even decide to have a child with this person using this magical gift.”

“That sounds cool, mom. I know you think those videos are bad but I saw one that is describing what you just said. It was a man, I think the girl’s doctor, giving her a creampie to help her have a baby because her husband didn’t have cum or something.”

“I.. thats not what I mea.. ok, we are going to continue this talk another day but I want you to stop watching those videos immediately. They will rot your brain with bad ideas and stereotypes and cause you to mistreat and abuse people and I won’t have my son growing up that way. Do you understand me?”

“Yes mom, I won’t look at them anymore, I promise. Can I go back on my video game now, my friends need me to help destroy these Russian thugs.”

“Sure.”