I saw him today

That boy I once knew, turned man

He never liked coffee back then

But I hear him order

Some Instagram drink from the corner

Where I sit and watch

He hasn’t seen me yet

And I hope he doesn’t

That part of me is long gone

And I’d like to keep it that way

Locked away in a box

That he holds a key to

It bubbles deep in the pits of me

And I’m scared

That one look, one word

From the boy turned man I once loved

Will turn back the clock

And I will become her again

That broken girl of years past

That I’ve imagined holding, consoling, loving

While staring out the high rise windows

Of my therapist’s office

She still exists in a more primal place

It wasn’t his fault she was crazy

Confirmed years later under the fluorescent lights of the psychiatric facility

But she was crazy about him, oh my…

Suddenly he turns and we lock eyes

And I’m back in high school

Giving him every part of me

In hidden corners, rushed moments

In the frenzied way only young lovers can

We are screaming and fighting and crying and the world is spinning so fast we might just float away

It is exquisite

It’s a flame

What that sweet girl child does not yet know is that flames turn to fire and for people like her…

Fires are a little too beautiful

She will learn

Will I?

I want it and I hate it and no,

I will not cry out in the corner of a coffee shop

With longing for the freedom I once knew

I will not ruin this life I have curated for myself

Meticulously through years of professionals and pills

For the boy turned man that knows the darkest parts of my soul

So I take a breath and offer a polite smile

He comes over to say hello