Hey guys and gals! James Patterson here. While I’m hard at work in the stu with Bill Clinton cooking up The President’s New Sunglasses, I had to take a break and shed light on some of the harsh comments that have been brought to my attention recently, mostly on TikTok, in regards to a certain passion project of mine that I penned just a few years ago. I, of course, am referring to my 2021 romance novella Happy Birthday, Paulie!

Everyone who knows me and knows me well also knows that my third favorite film of all time is none other than Sylvester Stallone’s Rocky IV. I could go on and on about why it’s so great but I don’t have all day here since Bill and I really need to get back to work. Anyway, one thing that makes this one stand out from the others has nothing to do with its pulse-pounding action, its intense focus on Cold War relations on such a human level, or its killer soundtrack (all bangers!). No, it’s none of those things. What makes this film my personal favorite film (aside from Casino and Police Academy 3: Back in Training) is that this one’s got a robot.

Happy Birthday, Paulie! expanded upon what we saw transpire in the fourth installment of the Rocky franchise between brother of Adrian, Paulie Pennino, and the robot that is gifted to him on his birthday by his brother-in-law Rocky Balboa. When the robot first arrives to deliver Paulie his birthday cake, he is dumbfounded and skittish. He claims he wanted a sports car yet little did he know he would soon be falling in love with this so-called walking trash can. Later on in the movie, the robot sounds like a woman and even brings Paulie a beer! How cool is that!? “She loves me,” he says with tears in his eyes. This brief glimpse at the possibility of a romantic bond between man and machine, for me, was always the heart of the film. The boxing stuff was just okay. So when Sly announced that Rocky IV: Rocky vs. Drago - The Ultimate Director’s Cut was ultimately going to cut out the heart of the movie by not including ANY of the scenes with Paulie and Paulina (what I chose to name the robot), I knew I had to take matters into my own hands.

I wrote Happy Birthday, Paulie! in maybe a few minutes shy of three hours on a stack of napkins from Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse I had laying around after treating Susan and myself to a couple of takeout Tomahawks. I quickly shuffled the napkins in order and rushed them to the publisher that night. The rest was history. I put my entire soul into this thing and I knew that if Burt Young was still here with us, God rest his soul, that he would be praising my work and thanking me for finally telling THEIR story the way it was meant to be told. [Editor’s note: Burt Young is still alive.]

I don’t have a problem with anything I wrote. It had to be done. I had to let love win. Unfortunately, many didn’t see it that way. It has come to my knowledge that most people actually despise this part of the 4th Rocky and when I hear that I question whether they also despise true love. I received hate mail. One reader felt the need to tell me he had always wished there were a scene in the movie where Ivan Drago punched the robot’s head clean off its body while Paulie is forced to watch, sparks flying everywhere. I received lawsuits. [Editor’s note: Two lawsuits were filed by Sylvester Stallone and Burt Young.] Now, for whatever reason or just to “okay boomer” me, portions of my audiobook recording where I voice Paulie and Bill Clinton voices Paulina have resurfaced and are being spread like wildfire God knows where by these bored TikTok teens. Apparently they don’t approve of the graphic sex scenes or just want to make fun of me or something but they weren’t even born like 10 years after this movie even came out so what do they know?

I suppose they guess I’m writing this note to apologize but they guessed wrong. I will burn every single last copy of every Alex Cross novel before I apologize for Happy Birthday, Paulie! Kiss the Girls? Kiss my ass! The President’s Sunglasses hits bookstores everywhere in early November! Patterson out!

— JP