I’ve started this new thing, a personal resolution if you will. I want to look people in the eyes and acknowledge them. Maybe smile, maybe say hi. On my way to work; in the shops, anywhere, anytime, anyone. I’m going to start today. I’ve spent a lot of time as a young adult in London avoiding eye contact. Looking anywhere but a face and building up a sort of fear of people. I fear strangers and large crowds. Everyone can be a threat. I’ve researched it and it’s science, the brain becomes overwhelmed. We aren’t supposed to see so many people in the same place at once - it’s supposed to trigger some sort of uncomfortable reaction. Standing in Trafalgar Square outside the M&M store is unnatural and I don’t like it. Why is the M&M store so busy? It’s bright and brash and full of pointless themed tripe. I cannot believe that there was a worldwide demand and fan base for M&M’s. Maybe I’m being near sighted because I’m not 10 and I don’t like animated chocolate. Mum regularly declared to my sister and I that we need to go through life with the mindset of a sewer-scurrying Rat, not of a bamboo-chewing panda. She would ask us. ‘Tell me girls - which species is dying out?’ So with her somber mantra in mind - I decide I will face it like a rat and acclimatise to this crazy big city terrain. It has become a problem particularly now, because I have a boyfriend and he’s noticed I act weird when we are in busy places. Agitated, uncomfortable, snappy. I don’t have full blown toddler tantrums - I just tense up; like a city fox aware that a she’s wandering around within the habitat of a different species. If she doesn’t keep to the shadows, she will raise unwanted attention to herself.

I love the idea of foxes but they are defensive and unapproachable. Who wants a fox for a girlfriend?

Said boyfriend needs to go to the pub and watch Liverpool United; I can tell this aspect of his lifestyle is an unspoken dealbreaker. So my hyper awareness in large, loud crowds needs to be doused by a large pint of Guinness and some eye-contact therapy. Relationships are like that aren’t they? They often reveal secrets about ones character that were previously hidden. Intimacy and vulnerability have a way of unmasking ones spooky skeletons and you should be encouraged to become acquainted with them. A good partner notices you. Notices your surprising little enigmas. I bravely set off into the crisp morning air with resolution; today I will find an iris that will cleanse me of my inner secret fox.